There comes a time in your life when you’ll have to cross the world’s saddest bridge — the one that takes you from your carefree youth into the land of trudging through an endless cycle of work and family until the day you mercifully die. Long after you know you’re an adult, though, you still might not be sure how to make sure everyone else knows that you’ve got your shit together.
Enter this handy list of tips, titled “How to make people think you have your shit together,” by some kindly Reddit user. It’s got a dash of profanity, which is my personal favorite, and even looks like it has a few useful tips:
But when you really start to think about it, you’ll realize that these tips assume all your friends are shallow douche bags and not just as miserable in their adulting journey as you are. All these tips will backfire and leave you poor, so we went ahead and compiled some less-bad bad advice for you to follow instead.
1. Put shit in jars
Do you have any idea how much jars cost? Probably not, because who buys jars except for the scam artists on Pinterest? You can save your own jam and pasta sauce jars, of course, but don’t be surprised if your guests are largely unimpressed with your collection of weevil-infested bread flour that you crammed into a damp upcycled Ragú jar.
2. Put some big bottles of f***ing mineral water in the fridge
If you already have the kind of schmancy rocket ship-size fridge that allows you to fit big-ass bottles of churched-up puddle water in it so other people can actually see them, don’t expect us to believe you’ve ever had a sip of tap water. For the rest of us, try scamming on the recycling bins of people with schmancy fridges, and yoink anything reasonably sized with a Fiji or Evian label. Fill that with tap water, and pray no one gets the flu.
3. Put some leafy herbs in jars of water or some shit
Christ, what’s with the jars? Don’t do this, and not just because it’s ridiculous to tap into your 401K to purchase all the jars necessary to trick people into thinking you’re adulting. Face it: When you buy herbs, they don’t end up in well-hydrated jars. They end up in that mug you never use, and you forget to refresh the water, and then the fruit flies come, and finally the herbs mercifully dry out. At which point you’ll consider just using them dry for, like, a second, and then you’ll decide, f*** it, because A) you can’t tell where the fruit fly corpses end and the cilantro begins, and B) ew, cilantro. No one wants that.
4. Get the biggest bowl in your house, and fill it with some f***ing lemons
What are you, made of money? Lemons ain’t cheap in the off-season, and then what are you going to do if the biggest bowl in your house is a plastic pebbled punch bowl your parents bought you for your first apartment, and you have to buy 21 lemons at 82 cents a piece for the world’s dumbest centerpiece? Lemons are for squeezing and mixing with vodka. So get your biggest bowl, half the lemons required to fill it, and use what you save on overpriced citrus fruit to buy, like, two handles of fine well vodka instead. Your friends will be way more impressed.
5. Get decent paper napkins
There’s no such thing. Skip this, and get decent friends who keep it real with paper towels they can rip off the roll as they smear crap on their face, because you’re all barbarians.
6. Pretend you don’t know what kind of wine you have
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Literally none of my friends would ever believe for a single moment that I don’t know exactly what kind of wine and its quantity, down to the milliliter, I have in my fridge or pantry.
7. Cook a roast
You should never, ever cook a roast, because first of all, you can’t just throw stuff in the oven for a few hours if this is your first attempt to get your shit together and expect it to not come out roughly the same texture as shoe leather. Second, no one likes roast. Probably your grandmother doesn’t even like roast. Serve crudités, and insist on calling them that. If someone’s like, “Wait, aren’t these just carrot sticks?” just get all offended and say, “Seriously? No, they’re clearly crudités. Say it correctly, or get out of my house, Janet.”
8. Don’t bother baking a terrible cake for dessert
Great idea, full stop.
9. Overwhelm your guests by offering them many types of tea
You could do this, but it involves purchasing many types of tea, and what are you, my great-grandmother Doris? Buy one type of coffee, and paste a repulsive scowl on your face for the people who demur and say, “Oh, I’m not really a coffee drinker.”
Remember, if you’re attempting to give the impression that you’re all grown up, keep in mind that by far the best part about being an adult is that you get to make some pretty important decisions for yourself, like whether or not you’ll eat waffles and ice cream for dinner and whether you should associate with people who will judge you very harshly for the number of jars you do not have. Hosting as an adult means surrounding yourself with people who will like you no matter what, so find the ones that don’t care if your herbs are fresh, and hold on to them — those are the real keepers.