Beer brewed with vaginal bacteria is the draft we didn't ask for

Mar 31, 2016 at 1:41 p.m. ET
Image: Jamie Grill/Getty Images

A new beer allegedly brewed from a woman's vaginal bacteria may be an April Fools' joke, but if it is, it's a super-sexist one.

We've heard of sourdough bread made with vaginal yeast (spoiler alert: it was apparently pretty tasty), so Bottled Instinct, a beer brewed with the lactic acid bacteria from a woman's vagina, sounds totally possible.

And there's nothing to worry about food safetywise. The bacteria is isolated and sanitized, so there's nothing else you would be getting in your beer from their benevolent bacterial donor.

More: 10 super-easy beer cocktails with 5 ingredients or less

But the way the beer is being marketed on its Indiegogo page is just gross.

Firstly, they (they being "The Order of Yoni" — #HeadDesk) actually use this as their opening line: "Imagine a woman of your dreams, your object of desire." Yes, they really do boldface that.

Where most major beer companies implicitly objectify women in their advertising, Bottled Instinct just spells it right out. And (convenient April-adjacent timing aside) that's why I think the whole thing might be a joke.

Their page is so over the top in how it objectifies women, especially their source of lactobacillus, Czech model Alexandra Brendlova, that it must be a social commentary on how horribly sexist beer advertising can be.

If not, then it's literally the most misogynistic thing I've seen online in a while... and I read the comments on YouTube videos, so that's really saying something.

"Imagine the beer of which every sip is a randez-vous [sic] with this hot woman of your dreams...she hugs you and kiss you gently, looking straight into your eyes... How much would you give for that beer?"

Aside from the fact that this sounds like a creepy sext from a random dude on OkCupid, I've gotta ask... What?

No literally, what did I just read?

It gets worse: "The secret of the beer lies in her vagina...the bacteria, lactobacillus, transfers woman's features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into a dance with lovely angel."

If that's true, then I have a load of laundry containing several pairs of underwear that are actually dances with a lovely angel. You could probs find some lovely angels in my bathroom trash can too. Lovely! Alluring! Glamorous!

More: Hey, Subway, stop telling me I have to eat subs to look sexy on Halloween

Not so much. A vagina is a vagina, lactobacillus is lactobacillus, and talking about a vagina like it is a mystical conduit for a person's soul is something that has been done for literally hundreds of years, much to the detriment of vagina-havers.

Treating vaginas like secret mystery boxes has led to things like the insane pressure women face to remain virgins and maintain their "sexual purity" at all costs, being too afraid to seek basic gynecological health care because vaginas aren't talked about as body parts but rather symbols of female virtue (or lack thereof), feeling ashamed of one's sexual desire because vaginas are both "dirty" and supposed to be kept sacred for your man... you get the picture.

The stigmas that vagina-havers face — both those who say vaginas are shameful and those who put them on a pedestal — have been interfering with women's lives for hundreds if not thousands of years. The consequences of this often literally lead to violence and discrimination against women. So, sorry if your cute beer commercial enrages me, but I'm not OK with objectifying women and reducing their souls down to something contained in their vaginal bacteria just to sell a beverage.

[Editor's note: I mean, what is this, even?]

order of yoni
Image: Order of Yoni

I can't believe anyone has fallen for this misogynistic marketing and actually backed the beer. The Indiegogo page for Bottled Instinct is asking for €150,000 to brew six batches of 16,600 beers each, and at the time of writing this, they've raised only €234 from 12 backers. Let's keep it that way.

My hope is that either the creators of Bottled Instinct will fess up to it being an April Fools' joke that doubles as a commentary on the sexism of beer marketing, or that I'll wake up in a couple of minutes and discover that this whole thing was just a nightmare.

In the meantime, if beer brewed by women is really something that excites you, why not grab a six-pack from one of these up-and-coming craft brewers and actually support women in the industry while doing so?

More: Become a beer nerd in under 20 minutes