It seems like every season brings another opportunity for Reese’s to troll us harder, whether it’s by forming a lump of chocolatey peanut butter goodness into a misshapen “tree” for Christmas or, most recently, forming a lump of chocolatey peanut butter goodness into a misshapen “heart” for Valentine’s Day.
But what does it mean if your sweetheart buys you something that resembles a lump of poo for Valentine’s Day? Let’s find out, plus learn what subliminal messages lie in other commonly gifted V-Day treats.*
— Brittani La Mar (@britastrophe_) January 13, 2016
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Hearts
Let’s get one thing clear straightaway: If you’ve received a lumpy Reese’s heart for V-Day, you’re in good shape, unlike the other confection you could soon be stuffing into your maw. A Reese’s heart means you and your partner are in that nice, comfy place in your relationship where quality matters more than the packaging in which it comes.
You’ve probably been dating for a while, so you’re already not put off by your lover grabbing something from the impulse-buy bin while they put a tank of gas in the car. Now if they’d gotten you some Freedent, it might be time to pump the brakes on your relationship.
Takeaway: At least they were thinking of you.
2. Conversation hearts
Conversation hearts are trickier, because they almost certainly mean one of two things. It could be that you’re involved with an anosmic partner whose condition causes them to overlook that these bad boys taste like schoolroom chalk.
Or it could be something more sinister — that your partner does have a sense of taste, and they only bought a bag of these bad boys to see if they could dig one out that says “hate u” or “bye” or “2 cool 4 u.” Especially if any of the flavors are that pale, gross artificial banana flavor.
Takeaway: Your partner is probably planning to break up with you during your black-tablecloth date to McD’s later. Run.
3. Red Hots
All that a package of Cinnamon Imperials or Red Hots says is that your dude forgot it was Valentine’s Day but he spotted these while he was cruising the Dollar General on his lunch break.
Takeaway: Thrifty dude. A keeper if you’re in debt and not sentimental at all.
4. Body chocolate
The partner who buys you body chocolate is sending you a very clear message that they’re having trouble mustering up the words to say out loud: “I’m a virgin.” No one who has ever had sex thinks body chocolate is sexy, which is a true science thing. You can receive this gift two ways. The first is with tender understanding and sensitivity toward the vulnerability with which they’ve entrusted you or repulsion over the fact that they still frequent Spencer’s at the mall.
Takeaway: Whatever you do, do not let this stuff get near your mouth. You will immediately regret it.
5. Cherry cordials
Congratulations, you’re dating a mama’s boy. Whether or not this is a good thing is up to you, but what you must understand is that after years of purchasing candy for his mom on Valentine’s Day as a thoughtful gesture, he’s either incapable of doing the emotional labor to find out what you like or you remind him so much of his mom he just assumes you guys like the same thing. Maybe wear less cashmere.
Takeaway: Good news if you find doing someone else’s laundry relaxing.
6. Whitman’s Sampler
Congratulations (?), you’re dating a grandma’s boy. No one under the age of 65 thinks rum-raisin truffles are delicious.
Takeaway: Great news if you’re a fan of bridge club on Tuesday evenings.
More: French-style hot chocolate doubles as a decadent dessert in a mug
7. CVS-brand sugar-free chocolate assortment
You received these from your actual grandson.
Takeaway: Thank your grandson for thinking of you on Valentine’s Day, then consider establishing clearer relationship boundaries.
8. Ferrero Rocher
This is the hallmark of a new, weird relationship — the kind where you started dating close to New Year’s but neither of you wants to bring up the subject of what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day, in case it seems too clingy. On the flipside, you don’t want to let the occasion pass without notice either, lest you come off as thoughtless.
The solution is to grab the relatively tasty but mostly innocuous gift pack of hazelnut candy that every employee got from their boss before Christmas break and regift it — unwrapped — with a shrug and a mumbled “It’s OK if you didn’t get anything” and hope it’s not weird.
Takeaway: If you can both laugh about getting each other the same candy on your first Valentine’s Day as a couple, your partner is a keeper.
*According to our own, non-scientific opinions. We’re just making jokes here, folks!