10 Things servers secretly wish they could say to you

Oct 19, 2015 at 5:30 p.m. ET
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Chances are, the smiling waiter or waitress who acquiesces to your every request has something a lot different in mind to say to you instead of "yes, ma'am!"

Part of a server's job is to paste a smile on their face and answer pretty much every question you ask with the exact answer you'd like to hear. But underneath the cheesy grin, there are words under the surface that your server is just dying to tell you.

1. "No, you can't move. Sit your little tushie down right now."

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Oh, you prefer a booth? A spot by the window? I prefer not having to serve you all of your food so that you can tip in a different section.

2. "Actually, I can't turn down the air or the music or the volume of the other diners or do anything about the smell of the food."

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You are in a restaurant. If you don't like noises or smells, I recommend that you cook yourself a nice glass of ice water in the privacy of a soundproof room in your own home.

3. "I recommend nothing from this Dumpster of a chain eatery."

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What's good here? Nothing. I can't believe you're actually about to pay money for the gastrointestinal distress you're about to have in a few hours.

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4. "I'm sorry, but you seem to have confused this place with Burger King."

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You cannot have it your way, and there is no way I'm going to pick every bean out of the seven-bean soup. Order broth next time.

5. "I don't believe I can trust your baby with these crackers, ma'am."

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Actually, I can totally trust your baby to do normal things with a pack of saltines, like scatter a million cracker crumbs all over the dining room in a futile attempt to shove little adorable fistfuls of them into their little adorable mouths. I can't trust you to make an even halfhearted effort to clean them up.

6. "I know why you want all of these lemons. I'm not an idiot."

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Just ask for lemonade. I'll even punch in an ice water so you can cling to your miserly cheapness. Just please, please, for the love of God stop sending me back to the kitchen to retrieve, slice and present you with tray after tray of lemons.

7. "The drink isn't 'weak,' you're just a borderline boozehound."

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You know the difference between mixing a Long Island Iced Tea at home versus mixing one at a bar? At home, you don't have to do inventory that accounts for every drop of liquor, and as a result, you don't use a precise measuring spout to pour shots. You just slosh that stuff in there until the drink is full. Sorry you got five shots of liquor instead of 10. You'll be glad about it tomorrow morning, though.

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8. "If I just give you your food for free, will you stop asking for my manager?"

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Since we all know that you have zero issues with the service and just want everything comped, what say we skip the middleman, the closing-time lecture I'll get and the charade of you shouting loudly about how you'll "call corporate" unless you get free dessert?

9. "Sure, we have decaf coffee! You don't mind that it's been sitting in the carafe since before Margaret Thatcher was born, right?"

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Also, you are a monster for wanting decaf coffee, sir.

10. "Have a terrible night! Come again never!"

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Seriously, though. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, mate.

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