Finally, after being asked for the past two months, “How much longer till Halloween?” it’s finally Halloween. Time for your children to go trick-or-treating (or as I call it, doing the legwork) to bring home bags of delicious candy for you — I mean, them.
But once they have those sacks full of random candies, how do you know what the good stuff and what the bad stuff is? To help you along, here is a guide to the best and worst Halloween candy. Period. Trust us.
Let’s start with the bad stuff:
5. Bazooka bubble gum
It’s got a fun name, and kids love gum, but this gum is garbage. It’s powdery, hard and tastes like nothing. The person who gives out this gum hates Halloween and happiness.
4. Candy corn
Many people think they love candy corn… in July. Once your kid brings home a bag of them on Halloween night, however, all it takes is that third candy corn to remind you that they are, in fact, awful. No candy makes you feel nauseated as quickly as candy corn does — they’re the fingers forced down the throat of Halloween.
3. Candy necklace
Wear it, enjoy the irony of wearing food, and then toss it. Those candies are hard as rocks and provide no satisfaction.
2. Circus peanuts
They’re orange, they look like peanuts, they have the consistency of stale marshmallows, and they taste like bananas. Pass.
Dots seem like such a good idea: They’re colorful, they’re pretty, and they look delicious. But put one in your mouth, and you quickly realize you have been bamboozled by The Man. Dots taste like cough medicine in pencil eraser form. They don’t melt in your mouth, but you can’t chew them either because they will rip the teeth right out of your face. Your best bet is to avoid them altogether.
And now, the best:
5. Jolly Ranchers
Jolly Ranchers are the best hard candy in existence. They’re sour in the most delicious way possible, they melt easily, and they turn your tongue different colors. That’s a win-win-win.
You can’t beat M&M’S; they’re a Halloween staple for a reason. Why? 1) They’re chocolate, 2) they’re itty-bitty, 3) they’re melty and 4) see No. 1.
Chewy without being too chewy and available in a variety of delicious fruit flavors, it’s the Starburst. Once you open up a pack, it’s difficult to stop eating them, because the next one is a pink, and pinks are the best, but then there’s a yellow after that, which is a nice, sour pop in your mouth after the relative sweetness of the pink, and then there’s a red, which takes you farther down the sour yum trail, and then you’ve found another pink… It’s a vicious circle, but I’m not mad about it.
2. Tootsie Rolls
Grandma’s right: Tootsie Rolls are the bomb. Don’t overthink them. They’re chewy chocolate, and that is A-OK with us.
Stop the presses, we have a winner. Twix narrowly beat out Kit Kats for best candy, but only because sometimes you can get stale Kit Kats, and those are terrible. Twix is crunchy chocolate and caramel goodness, and once you finish a bar, you’re sad for a moment because you think there aren’t any more Twix, but then you look down at the package, and boom! There’s a second one.
Bravo, Candy Man. You’ve outdone yourself.