Taco Tuesday death match: Tacos vs. bone broth
It's the best day of the week: Taco Tuesday!
You know what that means: It's time for another Taco Tuesday death match. Last week, tacos absolutely obliterated kale, no one's favorite leafy green. This week, a new contender appears — bone broth, the magical elixir among the CrossFit elite. Does it have what it takes to take down tacos?
Face-off #1: Better at being chewed
Tacos: Your teeth adore tacos, because when you are hungry, you can put one into your mouth, get it all mashed up for your stomach and then, when all that masticated taco goodness gets down there, you feel like you actually accomplished something.
Bone broth: You only end up chewing your bone broth if you made it wrong and didn't filter it through ultrafine, organic cotton cheesecloth. Afterward, you just feel... sloshy.
Face-off #2: More pretentious for no reason
Tacos: Tacos can get pretty pretentious. They've been fused with other cuisines, deconstructed and sold out of secret taco trucks that only people who are cooler than you know about. The thing is, they have a reason to be arrogant. They're effing delicious, and a taco by any name tastes amazing. So, sorry tacos, no points awarded.
Bone broth: Bone broth is actually just stock, you guys. It's just a bunch of stuff boiled in water, but that didn't stop people from trying to church it up and charge extra for simmered meat water. You win, bone broth. Don't get used to it.
Face-off #3: Most variety
Tacos: Tacos come in so many varieties it can make your head spin. They're rainbows of deliciousness, from a puffy, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around halibut and mango salsa to the lowbrow crunch of Doritos Locos around meat crumbles and cheese. It's impossible to not like tacos, because all you have to do is assemble some junk you really like in a tortilla of your choice and wrap your maw around it.
Bone broth: Chicken. Beef. Pork. Fish. I didn't even need one whole hand to count those off.
Face-off #4: Tastes the least like dirty sock water
Tacos: Tacos mostly taste like a blend of spices cooled by sour cream. Personally I like to compare the taste of tacos to the sheer, ecstatic wonderment of feeling the rain against your skin after a long Texas drought. You'll notice neither one of these descriptions contains the phrase "dirty sock water."
Bone broth: True story. Once, to accommodate a friend on the paleo diet, I made a pot of her favorite beef stock bone broth using a recipe she gave me. My husband asked if it was "supposed to taste like that," and she said yes but asked him to clarify what he thought it tasted like, and he said, "Dirty sock water," and we all laughed and laughed. We have fun.
Face-off #5: Faster to make
Tacos: In a bind, you can make tacos lickety-split using a packet from the grocery store with enough sodium to give you five consecutive heart attacks. Even if you cut up some tomatoes and junk for it, you're looking at 20 minutes, tops.
Bone broth: In a bind, you still have to simmer your meat water for a million hours, and it's usually done right after you don't even want it anymore.
And the winner?
Tacos triumph again, having spanked bone broth mercilessly with a score of 584 to 7.5. Don't worry, bone broth. You're still the best at being stored in Ziploc bags in the back of the freezer and being forgotten about until our mother-in-law calls to say she's coming for a visit. And that's something.