Homer Simpson, perhaps the greatest evangelist of doughnuts in the known world, has much to teach us about his favorite pastry if only we stop to listen. What better day than National Doughnut Day?
It’s no secret that along with potato chips, American cheese, pizza, steak and beer, doughnuts are one of Homer Simpson’s favorite foods. Deep-fried dough, dipped in glaze and then covered in frosting… Who can blame Homer for his love affair? Of course, the doughnut is more than just a meal to Homer — it’s a way of life and a method for teaching us about the world around us. Don’t believe it? Then let Homer drop a little doughnut wisdom on you.
1. Doughnuts can make even the worst workday go faster
Bored stiff or stressed out? Either way, it doesn’t matter. All you need to do is grab a doughnut, sit back and enjoy. The hours will roll past as you spend your time in a sugar-filled haze. Especially if you go back for more.
2. No matter how great life is, it’s not complete without doughnuts
In this clip, Homer has just returned to a time machine after entering a world in which he’s rich, his in-laws are dead and his children are well-behaved. Why would he do this? Because the world doesn’t have doughnuts. How could he live in such a land? Sadly he escapes back to an alternate dimension before he realizes that in this world it rains doughnuts. Still, what he has taught us all is that to live without a doughnut is to not live at all.
3. The doughnut is greater than the soul
Even though eating that doughnut means losing his soul, it’s more than a little tempting to eat it. Of course, once Homer does devour that last tasty morsel, the good news is he can’t fit into the pit to hell. We’re not advocating this as a rational course of spirituality, just trying to underscore the importance of the doughnut.
4. But that’s OK, it’s not eternal punishment if there are doughnuts
Imagine being strapped to a chair and forced by an angry demon to eat doughnuts? That’s pretty much Homer’s definition of a perfect afterlife. Maybe a little less pinching around the nose, but Homer clearly believes an afterlife with doughnuts is an OK afterlife for him.
5. Doughnuts are the ultimate fashion statement
What better accessory is there for legs than a doughnut? ‘Nuff said.
6. Organized crime deals in doughnuts
OK, on this point, we think Homer probably got it wrong. However, it’s clear he thinks the mafia should get paid in doughnuts. We’re going to have to do more research on this one.
7. No doughnut should be sacrificed to the altar of science
While chemistry is important, it’s just not OK to burn a doughnut to show how food calories work. Science needs to find another thing to burn, or else science can take a hike.
8. You can’t eat just one
Like potato chips, pizza and, really, everything else, it’s impossible to eat just a single doughnut. In fact, two’s pretty hard. Stopping at three is also difficult. Pretty much, doughnuts come in boxes of 12, and that’s probably the proper serving size.
9. The bigger, the better
Homer and doughnuts teach us one thing: Too much of a good thing is just not possible. Sure, you can settle for eating a single, regular-size doughnut, but life’s better if the doughnut is person-size.
10. If you’re not careful, doughnuts lead to bad things
Doughnuts are a gateway food to a lot of other bad things — like concentrated doughnuts and who knows what else.
11. Lots of bad things
Even worse, eating too many doughnuts leads to you being way, way too chipper in the morning. Who wants that?
12. Really, really bad things
If you have a large figure of a man holding a doughnut and then play with dark magic, that doughnut might become the instrument of your destruction.
Actually, come to think of it, there are a lot of dark things in the Simpsons, not all of which deal with doughnuts.
13. Don’t dance with doughnuts
Clearly in this dance-off Homer is having with sweet treats like lollipops and ice cream cones, there are no doughnuts. In this instance, Homer is telling us to avoid dancing with a doughnut, as bad things might happen.
14. Save them for a mid-dance snack
That bad thing? Not having a mid-dance snack! So don’t dance with your doughnut. Eat it!
15. Doughnuts are much better with friends
Ultimately the best thing to remember about doughnuts is that they’re better if you’re sharing them with your friends, who will come to love and appreciate them just like you do.