The odd chicken bones, eggshells, a rind of cheese… You might think the signs that your friend has abandoned the vegan lifestyle are obvious. However, they’re far more subtle and nefarious than you might think.
The health and environmental benefits of being vegan are well documented, numerous and constantly rehashed by all your vegan friends. However, like joining a gym, binge-watching previous seasons of The Bachelor or wearing leg warmers, sometimes your friends start doing something, expecting to do it for the rest of their lives, only to find that the reality of the situation doesn’t always match up. Indeed, even the most ardent vegan might quietly slip back into the world of meat and cheese.
However, armed with the right knowledge, you won’t be surprised when they reveal their big secret: They’re no longer vegan.
1. The only thing they won’t shut up about now is CrossFit
As the joke goes, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. Three minutes later, everyone in the bar knows, because they won’t shut up about it. So you can be pretty sure your vegan friend’s a meat eater when the only thing they won’t shut up about is CrossFit.
2. They can get within 10 feet of an aquarium
Once your vegan friends start eating fish again, aquariums no longer become pitiable death farms where brave aqua-life wait to meet their grisly end. Instead, they become holding tanks of deliciousness.
3. They start watching Guy Fieri
Guy Fieri is an admitted “pal of pork” who, when he still had his cooking show, could find more delicious things to do with pork than any 10 other chefs. Of course, this gross promotion of the consumption of the flesh of an animal shouldn’t fly too well in the face of a vegan. Therefore, when your friend starts talking about how much she loves Fieri’s show, something’s up.
4. They suddenly stop asking what’s in the main course, what’s in the side dish, what’s in (add dish here)
Every time you take a vegan to dinner, they’re going to hound the poor server with the name, rank and serial number of every ingredient in every component of every dish. Once your friend can pick an item off a non-vegan establishment’s menu with nary a question asked, there’s a good chance they’re no longer vegan.
5. In fact, they stop asking about the animals at all
As they gauge how much guilt to lay on their fellow eaters, many vegans want to know about the conditions in which the animals who contributed to the meal were treated in life, what their name was and if they seemed like generally upbeat pigs, chickens, ducks, etc. The minute that conversation passes by the wayside, it’s time to question just how vegan your friend is anymore.
6. They fail to remind you an animal died as you try to enjoy your turkey sandwich
Every vegan’s favorite question: “Did you know an animal died to make that?” Every former vegan’s favorite question? Silence.
7. There are suspicious food wrappers in the walk-in pantry
Once you start to think your friend is no longer vegan, you might take a minute to snoop around their house. If you find a McDonald’s wrapper, an empty egg carton or a plastic meat tray, then you’re probably on to something.
8. Somehow they fail to realize the dessert is made from milk chocolate
The former vegan who’s still keeping up appearances is likely to tip her hand around dessert time, especially when milk chocolate (which contains, you know, milk) is in the mix. Watch your masquerading vegan companion. If she goes in for a slice of cake without a second thought, be prepared for your vegan friend to recant any second.
9. They steal a slice of pizza, then act surprised it’s not vegan cheese
If chocolate wasn’t the thing that pulled the vegan back to the world of meat or dairy, then it was probably cheese. So if they grab a slice, take a huge bite and then act surprised because it’s real mozzarella, you’ve got a former vegan on your hand.
10. They finally admit they hate tofu
Loving tofu is something that really only those who can’t eat meat do. Everyone else realizes what it is. So when your vegan friend admits that tofu sucks, it’s time to take them out for a nice chicken dinner.