Statistically speaking, the number of people who love chocolate appears to dwarf that of those who hate it. However, chocolate haters exist, and the problems they face in this chocolate-crazed world are very real.
From the way most dessert menus, grocery stores and candy shops are arranged, you’d think chocolate is the most universally loved substance in the world. Of course, that’s not necessarily true. There are some people who don’t love a nice, dark, chocolaty anything, and these brave souls have a whole slew of problems to deal with that most just don’t.
1. Your significant other has no idea what to get you when he/she messes up
Many a person in a relationship has learned to navigate the rocky waters of relationship struggles with a big box of chocolate, a tub of mint chocolate chip or a big cup of hot cocoa. Chocolate haters in a relationship are likely to find themselves upset at their partner for whatever started the fight and upset because their partner forgot they didn’t like chocolate.
On the other hand, the partner is probably upset because they just spent a ton of money on sweets and now is in even deeper hot water. This leads to a downward relationship spiral that’s more trouble than it’s worth.
2. Russell Stover doesn’t have a box for you
It’s pretty easy to pick up a box of truffles, chocolate-covered cherries or other candies for not much money. The problem? All these designer bites have chocolate. There’s literally not a candy box for your tastes, unless you count a theater box of Mike and Ike…
3. In general, Valentine’s Day is reduced to those weird candy hearts
Go to the store on Valentine’s Day, and you’re greeted with lots and lots of chocolate candy. Want anything else? Maybe you can find red hots. If not, you’re buying yourself a big bag of candy hearts and sending yourself nonsensical love messages…
4. There are only so many desserts that don’t feature chocolate…
If you don’t like chocolate, the dessert menu at a fancy restaurant is your worst enemy. If you’re lucky, you might have one choice without chocolate.
5. … which is a problem when someone makes you a special dessert
It’s even worse if it’s your birthday or a special occasion, because some well-meaning person might just deliver you a special treat. Sure as the sun comes up in the morning, that special dessert will be nice and chocolaty, because who doesn’t love the brown stuff? You know, other than you?
6. It’s nearly impossible to find a good Ben and Jerry’s flavor
Chubby Hubby, Phish Food, Half Baked, Karamel Sutra, Americone Dream, etc., are all brilliant flavors of ice cream… unless you hate chocolate. When you dislike it, you’re really limited to only a handful of flavors, or else you’re going without.
7. Ditto Starbucks
Starbucks sells a lot of mochas and lattes, most of which have some form of chocolate. So, enjoy your caramel macchiato or your plain Jane cup of joe.
8. The only Halloween candy you will eat is terrible
Bit-O-Honey. That’s your fate around Halloween, or maybe, if you’re lucky, some Smarties or something. Why is this true? Because all those bags of fun-sized treats are based on chocolate, and for you, there’s just nothing fun sized about a candy bar.
9. The M&M’S guys won’t believe you anyway
Were you to meet the two spokesmen for M&M’S, they’re not going to believe you’re one of the good guys who won’t eat them. They’ll be just as suspicious of you as of everyone else.
10. Everyone mixes chocolate with another flavor
A lot of thought and creativity go into chocolate and peanut butter, chocolate and mint, chocolate and cherry, chocolate and curry, chocolate and bacon and so on. In other words, the great culinary minds are pouring all their energies into something you won’t eat.
11. Magic Shell caramel just isn’t that great
Magic Shell is chocolate syrup that hardens when poured onto ice cream. The caramel version struggles to set and just doesn’t taste that great. Why, you may ask? Because the Magic Shell makers know most people buy the chocolate variety, so that’s where they sink their R & D dollars.
12. Dessert fondue is right out
Go ahead and find a chocolate-less dessert fondue. It’s OK, we’ll wait.
13. When everyone else gets hot chocolate, you get hot… water?
Hot caramel just doesn’t have the same ring, and neither hot tea nor coffee can fill that same niche for something sweet and warming on a cold winter’s day.
14. Chocolate even invades Mexican food. Mole… Seriously?
Everyone’s so high and excited about mole, a Mexican sauce made from chocolate. Yes, even tacos aren’t a safe refuge for chocolate haters.
15. You have to explain, yes, you actually don’t like chocolate
Lastly, it just gets tedious telling everyone you really hate chocolate and no, you don’t want to try just one bite. It’s enough to make you want to stay home and avoid the chocophiles out there.