Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is almost here.
Whether you’re trying to repel an unwanted suitor, cut a date short or just want to practice your best evil laugh after doling these out to your friends, awkward conversation hearts like the ones below are perfect for ruining anyone’s Valentine’s Day.
1. “It’s not herpes”
These charming hearts range from the mildly uninterested (“Blerg”) to the downright perplexing (“It’s not herpes” — so, what exactly is it, then?). Try any of these on your current crush, and you might be in for an awakening even ruder than these phrases.
2. “Ur adopted”
Hmm… Revealing to your date they’re adopted, implying they need a breath mint and, of course, telling them their butt stinks are all surefire ways to kill the mood this Valentine’s Day.
3. “That’s what she said”
Image: Annie’s Eats
4. “I will cut you”
This awkward necklace is the perfect gift for your frenemies… or, let’s face it, straight-up enemies. Kill ’em with sort-of kindness. (I mean, you’re technically giving them jewelry, after all.)
5. “Hell no”
Date not going so well? Keep one of these in your purse to hand out when the small talk starts to get rough. If you say it with icing, it’s not that mean, right?
6. “Size does matter”
Image: Queenie Cakes
I can’t imagine a situation in which these cakes would be an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift — unless your date is a baker known for making minuscule treats. When it comes to frosted carbs, size really does matter.
7. “You’ll do”
How to make sure your date knows you’re settling: this not-so-subtle card.
8. “CELEB8 THX2U”
Image: Despair Inc.
This set of “Dumped Bittersweets” includes sayings like “Used U 4 fun,” “Kiss a frog” and “Forget we met.” The perfect gift to give your ex during a really, really bad breakup.
9. “Kiss off”
This cross-stitch is one of those weird I-hate-you gifts that actually takes a lot of time and thought to execute. Perhaps best saved for frenemies (who may at least appreciate your handiwork), these decidedly not-nice convo hearts are a far cry from the chalky candies you’re used to.
10. “Die in a fire”
Image: Not So Humble Pie
The harshest of the bunch, this cookie will definitely kill the conversation between you and any potential suitor. At least the death wish comes with a treat, so they can eat their feelings of despair after you lay your true feelings on the table.