In a world with so many delicious options, these canned food oddities really make me scratch my head. Just… why?
C’mon, people. You can take 10 minutes and make the blue box. It’s gotta be better than this.
Image: John Kannenberg/Flickr
2. Clams. That are grilled. And free of harmful germs.
I wasn’t aware that germy clams were something I needed to be aware of. Noted.
3. Sack O’ Sauce in a Can O’ Meat
“It’s an amazing improvement in canned meat meals.” Is it?
Image: Classic Film/Flickr
4. You know how easy it is to defrost fresh frozen shrimp, right?
Why the jar?
5. All the bugs
I’m oddly drawn to the chocolate-covered super worms because my brain only sees “super chocolate.” But you can have all the others.
6. This cheeseburger in a can actually makes me want a cheeseburger in a can
Image: Michael Sauers/Flickr
Um, nope. Never mind.
Image: Arnold Gatilao/Flickr
7. Beans with a “z”
This one’s going on the list simply because I am against the purposeful misspelling of words. Also, I can’t imagine that faux cheese sauce is incredibly delicious.
8. Your favorite deli salad… in a can?
Nothing wrong with getting a fresh scoop at the deli counter, folks.
9. Hot dogs that never expire
I mean, “fresh” hot dogs keep for a good six months, right? Imagine how long the canned version lasts. Put a dozen of these into your disaster kit, stat.
10. Mushy peas
An actual Amazon customer question and answer:
Question: “Are these actual ‘mashed’ peas — kind of like if I blended whole peas in a blender? Thanks.”
Answer: “So you have dense peas in a mash up of these same peas. It’s the same idea as canned re-fried pinto beans — some beans for bean texture, and the rest mashed beans for flavor.”
Real question: Why?
11. Canned corned beef doesn’t seem so bad
It starts out fairly promising…
Image: Tracy O’Connor/Flickr
But ends up looking like this. Pass.
Image: Tracy O’Connor/Flickr
12. Two of my favorite things combined. Oh, wait…
You’ve got your white fungus. You’ve got your bird’s nest. Of course you should make them into a drink.
Image: Bryan Bowden/Flickr
13. Canned lasagna is an impossibility in layering
I’m calling your bluff on this one, Chef Boyardee. You can’t just call any noodle-sauce-meat combo lasagna. I can see into that can. It’s pasta with meat sauce at best.
14. Tastes like chicken?
The French typically know their stuff when it comes to cuisine, but I’m going to have to pass on this pigeon pâté. Something about eating the birds that hang out on my fence…
Image: Chris Goldberg/Flickr
15. More pigeon
The less fancy version of the above pâté.
16. Bacon Spam
Why do you have to ruin perfectly good bacon?
Image: Liza Lagman Sperl/Flickr
17. Canned tamales, you say?
That might not be so bad. They actually look pretty tasty on that label.
Oh wait… This is how they really look? Never mind.
Image: Erik Abderhalden/Flickr
18. Spork, but not the utensil
I just don’t think I need sweet pork.
19. PB&Js aren’t that hard to make
The Candwich. For when you really can’t muster the strength to slather two pieces of bread with peanut butter and jelly.
20. Stop the presses… There’s unicorn meat?
This was almost on the list of canned foods I would devour. But as much as I want unicorn superpowers and endless sparkles, I could never eat an actual unicorn. Sacrilege.
21. In case of zombie attack
How disappointed would you be if the zombie apocalypse came and you realized all you had were cans of Twinkies? (Though they could definitely be counted on to last till the end of time.)