21 Weird canned foods you won't be eating any time soon

Jan 16, 2015 at 3:30 p.m. ET

In a world with so many delicious options, these canned food oddities really make me scratch my head. Just... why?

1. Nooooooooooooo!

C'mon, people. You can take 10 minutes and make the blue box. It's gotta be better than this.

canned mac and cheese

Image: John Kannenberg/Flickr

2. Clams. That are grilled. And free of harmful germs.

I wasn't aware that germy clams were something I needed to be aware of. Noted.

3. Sack O' Sauce in a Can O' Meat

"It's an amazing improvement in canned meat meals." Is it?

canned meat

Image: Classic Film/Flickr

4. You know how easy it is to defrost fresh frozen shrimp, right?

Why the jar?

5. All the bugs

I'm oddly drawn to the chocolate-covered super worms because my brain only sees "super chocolate." But you can have all the others.

canned bugs

Image: arbyreed/Flickr

6. This cheeseburger in a can actually makes me want a cheeseburger in a can

canned cheeseburger

Image: Michael Sauers/Flickr

Um, nope. Never mind.

canned cheeseburger

Image: Arnold Gatilao/Flickr

7. Beans with a "z"

This one's going on the list simply because I am against the purposeful misspelling of words. Also, I can't imagine that faux cheese sauce is incredibly delicious.

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8. Your favorite deli salad... in a can?

Nothing wrong with getting a fresh scoop at the deli counter, folks.

canned potato salad

Image: amanda/Flickr

9. Hot dogs that never expire

I mean, "fresh" hot dogs keep for a good six months, right? Imagine how long the canned version lasts. Put a dozen of these into your disaster kit, stat.

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10. Mushy peas

An actual Amazon customer question and answer: 

Question: "Are these actual 'mashed' peas — kind of like if I blended whole peas in a blender? Thanks."

Answer: "So you have dense peas in a mash up of these same peas. It's the same idea as canned re-fried pinto beans — some beans for bean texture, and the rest mashed beans for flavor."

Real question: Why?

canned mushy peas

Image: Amazon

11. Canned corned beef doesn't seem so bad

It starts out fairly promising...

canned corned beef

Image: Tracy O'Connor/Flickr

But ends up looking like this. Pass.

canned corned beef

Image: Tracy O'Connor/Flickr

12. Two of my favorite things combined. Oh, wait...

You've got your white fungus. You've got your bird's nest. Of course you should make them into a drink.

white fungus birds nest drink

Image: Bryan Bowden/Flickr

13. Canned lasagna is an impossibility in layering

I’m calling your bluff on this one, Chef Boyardee. You can't just call any noodle-sauce-meat combo lasagna. I can see into that can. It's pasta with meat sauce at best.

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14. Tastes like chicken?

The French typically know their stuff when it comes to cuisine, but I'm going to have to pass on this pigeon pâté. Something about eating the birds that hang out on my fence...

pigeon terrine

Image: Chris Goldberg/Flickr

15. More pigeon

The less fancy version of the above pâté.

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16. Bacon Spam

Why do you have to ruin perfectly good bacon?

bacon spam

Image: Liza Lagman Sperl/Flickr

17. Canned tamales, you say?

That might not be so bad. They actually look pretty tasty on that label.

Oh wait... This is how they really look? Never mind.

canned tamales

Image: Erik Abderhalden/Flickr

18. Spork, but not the utensil

I just don't think I need sweet pork.

canned spork

Image: Jamie/Flickr

19. PB&Js aren't that hard to make

The Candwich. For when you really can't muster the strength to slather two pieces of bread with peanut butter and jelly.

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20. Stop the presses... There's unicorn meat?

This was almost on the list of canned foods I would devour. But as much as I want unicorn superpowers and endless sparkles, I could never eat an actual unicorn. Sacrilege.

canned unicorn meat

Image: Amazon

21. In case of zombie attack

How disappointed would you be if the zombie apocalypse came and you realized all you had were cans of Twinkies? (Though they could definitely be counted on to last till the end of time.)

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More weird food

10 American foods no foreigner would ever eat
20 Food laws that make absolutely no sense whatsoever
15 Bizarre fancy sodas that you must try (at least once)

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