10 Funky foodie gifts I never knew I wanted, but dang it, I need them

Dec 10, 2014 at 3:00 p.m. ET

If these gifts aren't under my tree come Christmas morning, I'll be forced to start researching ways to slice bananas, pour orange juice and smell like bacon. And that, my friends, is not what Christmas is all about.

1. Gold-plated KFC bone earrings

chicken bone earrings

Image: Kentucky for Kentucky

You're looking at a gen-u-ine chicken bone here, folks. That you put in your ears. That people buy. It's the magic of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

2. Nacho cheese lip balm

nacho cheese lip balm

Image: Amazon

So weird... I was just thinking that I wished my lips could smell like cheese. It's like they're inside my head.

3. Penis-shaped egg mold

penis-shaped egg mold

Image: This Is Why I'm Broke

I think the question here isn't why would you want one, it's why in the world wouldn't you? Scenario: Granny stays over for the holidays, and she needs breakfast in the morning. Penis-shaped eggs, anyone? Be sure to Instagram that.

4. Muffin tops

Muffin tops

Image: Amazon

Everyone knows the muffin top is the best part of the muffin, and now you can serve them in these awesome too-tight jeans. Note to self: Suck it in. All those holiday treats have to go somewhere.

5. Oreo dunking spoon

Oreo dunking spoon

Image: This Is Why I'm Broke

How tired am I of getting milk on my fingers during an Oreo binge. Hallelujah, the problem has been solved.

6. The candy bra

candy bra

Image: BaronBob

Not because I want to wear it, and certainly not because I want someone to eat it off me, but because it's basically 10 candy necklaces in one. It's my childhood dream come true (again, the candy, not the bra).

7. Banana slicer

banana slicer

Image: Amazon

You know how when you peel a banana and then, in a panic, you're like, "How in the world will I ever get this banana sliced?" You're welcome.

8. Roll 'n Pour

roll 'n pour

Image: Roll 'n Pour

Maybe I just have weak upper body strength, but those gallon jugs of OJ are heavy, amirite? Look at that, only two fingers required.

9. Bacon perfume

bacon perfume

Image: fargginay

Among the ingredients in this perfume: "Two pinches of bacon salty goodness." I need to know what that means. You can choose between gold and classic, the latter giving off a "heavier" bacon smell. I think we all know which one I want.

10. Edible spray paint

edible spray paint

Image: This Is Why I'm Broke

Because nothing says fancy dinner quite like gold-plated poultry.

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