Just say no to the insanity of Thanksgiving in a Bucket

Thanksgiving is almost here, and usually that means I’d be doing my happy dance.

It’s a time of year when we take out the good china, forgo the takeout menus and get cookin’. No matter how awful and awkward Thanksgiving can actually be once everyone starts arguing, there is always one comforting constant: There will be platter upon platter of delicious food to distract everyone.

This year, everything I love about Thanksgiving is in danger. Thanks (or no thanks) to Thanksgiving in a Bucket.

Bringing together friends and family from far and wide can be a bit dicey, sure, but once the bowl of homemade cranberry sauce is set down next to the jiggling plate of sliced canned cranberry sauce, people are too busy loading their plates with tasty vittles to fight with one another.

Thanksgiving in a Bucket will nullify all this busy work and turn the best food holiday of the year into a total nightmare.

Gone are the platters of food, the decadent display of our good fortune. Gone is the illusion that today is different, special — that today we are family and maybe, just maybe, things this year will be different.

With Thanksgiving in a Bucket, no one will carve the turkey. Instead, someone will be in charge of ladling out the food-bucket mush, as though they’re filling a pig trough.

Those of us who love Thanksgiving because of the many side dishes will be forced to consume them simultaneously. Green bean casserole and candied yam? It’s good… I guess. Mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce? I’ve had… worse.

I’m not afraid to let the world know how I feel: Thanksgiving in a Bucket is an abomination. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two foods one should eat from a bucket: fried chicken and ice cream. But I will take my turkey sliced, my mashed potatoes dolloped and my stuffing spooned, G-D-it!

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