Halloween is almost here, meaning most people are buying pumpkins, decorating their houses with fake spiderwebs and stocking up on fun-sized candy.
But according to Subway, we ladies have more important things to worry about — like dieting so we can fit into our Sexxxi Bratwurst / Slutty UPS Woman / Scandalous Sailor costumes, amirite? Not!
If you’re like me, then no, that is in fact not something you are worrying about. Or at least it wasn’t until you saw Subway’s latest pathetic commercial, which not only tries to scare women into dieting for Halloween but also tries to convince us that fast-food subs are healthy.
In the commercial, co-worker No. 1 looks on incredulously as her co-workers eat burgers for lunch. “But wut about ur Halloween body?” she asks. Then comes a montage of her dressed in every stereotypical “sexy” Halloween costume there is while she talks about how important it is to shape up in time to wear them on Halloween.
Never mind that this stance basically implies people with larger bodies can’t possibly be sexy (spoiler alert: they can) — the fact that it doesn’t include any men in costume shows that Subway knows it will be more successful in convincing women to hate their bodies and buy a low-cal sandwich than it would men. Probably because women are already preconditioned by society to feel insecure about their looks thanks to having advertisments just like this one shoved down our throats 24/7 from birth till death.
Women are already told to worry about bikini season, keeping off the holiday pounds, working on our post-baby bodies, banana rolls, wrinkles and a veritable s*** ton of other manufactured insecurities that are the backbone of the beauty and diet industries. Do we really need to start worrying about how we’ll look in our Halloween costumes? And do those costumes really always have to be something “sexy”?
It may come as a surprise to Subway that a lot of women eschew these types of costumes for, y’know, regular costumes. You can be a witch without being “slutty.” And you can wear a costume whose sole purpose isn’t to look like weird, themed lingerie and still feel sexy too. Sexiness is about feeling self-confident and having agency over your body and your desires, and even if you’re dressed as a naughty Little Bo Peep, if you’re obsessing over how your body looks in your costume, then you probably won’t feel sexy. And I doubt eating a preservative-laden turkey sandwich at Subway is going to solve that.
So thanks for trying to turn one of the most fun holidays of the year into an insecurity-riddled sexual pageant, Subway, but no thanks. If I want to feel sexy for Halloween, I’ll do it my way, and the only thing I’ll be eating to prepare myself for the spookiest day of the year is candy (you have to test it for the trick-or-treaters, obviously).