Ladies, it’s going to be a scorcher this summer, and we’re not talking about the temp outside. We’re talking about the temp inside your local theater when things get unbearably hot, thanks to a seasonal parade of Hollywood’s finest. Mark your calendars!
Fast and Furious 6 — May 24
We’re cheating by saying that Fast and Furious 6 features just one hunk, because this is going to be a veritable feast for the female senses. Cue some of Hollywood’s most divine dudes — Dwayne Johnson, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. So what if the movie’s plot centers on things women care very little about, such as cars and throaty tough-guy dialogue? Bald never looked this beautiful.
The Hangover Part III — May 24
Tired of the “frat-boy overdoes it and gets his a** in a jam” plotline? Yeah, so are we (kind of). But what we’re not tired of is Bradley Cooper as the bad boy and Zach Galifianakis as “fat Jesus.” Since The Hangover wasn’t enough to teach these boys not to drink and hang together, they return to Las Vegas in The Hangover Part III for a reminder. We don’t care how watered down a franchise gets — if Bradley Cooper’s in it, we’re there.
After Earth — May 31
Is all that talk of “open marriage” between Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith true? A girl can hope, ha, ha! Will is bringing to the table all the things we look for in a summer blockbuster hunk — looks, humor and a proven ability to stay in a committed relationship. Will Smith stars opposite real-life son Jaden, adding a touch of “hot daddy” to his heartthrob status. We’d say Will’s bringing sexy back this summer, but for him, it never left.
This is the End — June 12
The “Frat Pack” has some of the unlikeliest hunks of any group of males you’ll ever find (Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, to name a few). What makes these somewhat pudgy, f’d-up hairy boys so irresistible? Their unparalleled sense of humor. Among this group, James Franco stands out with his chiseled features and brooding looks. This is the perfect date movie — it will make women wish their boyfriend could make them laugh like that, and the boyfriend can pick up a few pointers on what makes his girlfriend laugh.
Man of Steel — June 14
Can we take another comic book, overblown blockbuster movie? Uh, if Henry Cavill is going to be our hero, we can. Superman personifies what every woman is looking for on a smaller scale. We don’t need someone to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but it would sure be nice if a hot guy played with the baby while we heated up dinner. Man of Steel brings us two other spectacular male specimens: Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner. That, my dear ladies, is what blockbusters are made of.
World War Z — June 21
Sometimes we think Brad Pitt deliberately chooses roles to piss us off. We get that he’s built a career fighting his pretty-boy image, but Fight Club and 12 Monkeys just weren’t necessary. (Hey Brad, nice try in trying to shake your sexy-beast image in Kalifornia — hate to break it to you, but you were still kind of hot in that.) In other words, longtime crushers on Brad need a little more Legends of the Fall and Troy and a little less Seven Years in Tibet. So while we’re somewhat annoyed that Brad is starring in a zombie apocalypse movie (are zombies the new vampire? Please, no), he is freakin’ hot in this trailer. As much as we abhor the concept of the undead taking over the planet, we’ll suffer through it if Brad is in charge.
White House Down — June 28
While we wait for Magic Mike 2 to be released, we can take in some Channing Tatum fineness in White House Down in June. People magazine’s 2012 Sexiest Man Alive is back and bada** as ever, the sole stud who can save the White House and the country. Atta boy. Jamie Foxx also stars in this movie, making us wonder if all the eye candy will cancel out the bullets and violence. There’s only one way to find out, ladies, and since Channing Tatum could sit in front of a camera for two hours eating cereal and playing video games and we’d cheerfully line up to watch, we’ll take a chance on this feature.
The Lone Ranger — July 3
Brad Pitt’s not the only one who tries to distract the audience from his not-of-this-world good looks. Johnny Depp has done this more times than we can count with movies like Edward Scissorhands, Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Even though he was hot in a smelly pirate kind of way in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, those things dangling from his beard were distracting. So will we be able to look past the weird face paint and dead crow atop Depp’s head in Lone Ranger to appreciate Depp’s beauty? Guess we’ll just have to see.
The Wolverine — July 26
I know, I know — obvious choice. But The Wolverine makes this list for two reasons: a) Hugh Jackman and b) he’s shirtless. We sat through over two hours of depressing singing in Les Misérables just to see Hugh, so we will certainly be sitting in an air-conditioned theater this summer to watch him, hairy and hand-challenged though he may be, in The Wolverine. Simply put, Hugh Jackman = quality theater time.
In the all-hunk version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington are agents working against each other, until they have to work together. Don’t get us wrong — we loved Wahlberg in Ted and The Other Guys, but we’re really appreciating his return to kicking a** in movies like Pain & Gain (another feast for the eyes) and 2 Guns.