Demi Moore: Because dating a boy worked out so well before

Nov 29, 2012 at 9:48 a.m. ET

Doesn't Demi Moore sort of remind you of that wonderful girlfriend who just doesn’t get it when it comes to men? Imagine being Demi’s best friend right now and learning that she is again dating someone half her age. Since Demi’s best friend seems to be MIA, we’re here to step in and spell out why dating a man half your age is an awesomely bad idea…

Demi MooreThey have nothing to say

And I do mean nothing. I married young, so when my marriage ended after 21 years, I found myself dating more or less for the first time. And for whatever reason, young men (10 to 14 years younger) landed on me like a tiger pounces on a T-bone steak. With rare exception, I quickly learned these young studs had nothing to talk about. Their dialogue consisted of who is being traded in sports and last Friday and Saturday’s party stories. Snore. Like Demi, I had spent decades in a marriage and raising kids. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. What did these young men know of chicken pox, playing chauffeur, and sleepless nights? While Demi’s 26-year-old art dealer beau Vito Schnabel may be more worldly, Ms. Moore really needs to date someone her own age who can relate to her life experiences. Better yet, if she hooks up with someone older, she gets to be the arm candy rather than the other way around.

Flattering, but fake

When those young boys took an interest in me, it went to my head. I had been traded out by a woman 10 years younger than me, who had never given birth. So when mid-20-somethings who looked like they could bench-press a VW paid attention to me, I was flattered. I was a cougar! (Lord, how I love to hate that word!) If I were Demi’s best friend, I’d tell her — just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. After being dumped and humiliated by Ashton Kutcher, dating a 26-year-old is a real shot in the arm. And there’s a good chance that Demi is doing it just to stick it to Ashton, sending him the non-verbal message that she can still put a**es in the seats. If revenge is her strategy, she’s entitled. In these situations however, we can’t let flattery or an ego-boost make us believe a relationship is something it’s not.

Very different goals

Another valuable lesson I learned about young bucks (that Demi seems to have a hard time grasping) is that a 26-year-old has very different goals than a 50-year-old. I knew those boys would eventually seek marriage (something I have absolutely no interest in at my age) and babies (uh, double the no interest, plus I’m pretty sure my eggs are mostly dust at this point). Those two things are deal breakers. Demi likely will have more money than a 26-year-old, so pretty soon she’ll find herself in one of those tacky Jennifer Lopez/kept-man relationships that make the woman look foolish and make the man look like his testicles are being kept under lock and key by the aforementioned woman.

Midlife crisis

Probably the most crucial truth that Demi’s best friend should be telling her is that a man in his 20s or 30s has not been through a midlife crisis. Any woman who has survived one of these will run for her life from a man who is a midlife time bomb. Men who go through a midlife crisis become unrecognizable and sadly, mow down everyone in their path. Dating a man who is in his mid-40s or older, especially since Demi is 50, will spare her the God-awful fallout of a midlife crisis. All of us girls need to remember if something is not working, then stop doing it. Obviously, the much-younger-man thing didn’t really pan out for Demi, so her best friend needs to swoop in and save her from herself!

Image courtesy