You like your steak pretty rare. Your skin never tans. You have a heck of a time keeping warm. You may have wondered, “Am I a vampire?” Wonder no more. Take this quiz and you will know definitively once and for all if you are a “beast of the night…”
You make Courtney Love look like the Tanning Mom
If your skin is so pale, you can make out most of your major organs, it’s not a foregone conclusion that you’re just one human neck away from living forever. The way to know for sure is if your sallow complexion is coupled with freakishly dark eyebrows and abnormally red lips. Also, if your skin sparkles like Tinkerbell’s fairy dust when you enter the sunlight, you are probably a vampire. Give yourself one point for having pale skin, two points for having pale skin with pronounced brows and lips, and 100 points if the aforementioned is combined with sparkling like the Fourth of July when you’re exposed to sunlight.
You have super-human strength and speed
This can be a tough one for people who are trying to figure out if they are bloodsuckers or not. Some people are pale, can run really fast, and can lift heavy stuff. Here is how you can tell. If you can run around the globe three times in 30 seconds or less, especially with someone on your back, you are most likely a vampire. Also, if you can scale super-tall trees in a few seconds and don’t die when you fall to the ground, you are for sure a vampire. Give yourself one point if you are pale, fast and strong, two points if you are pale, fast, strong, and can scale tall trees effortlessly, and give yourself 100 points if you are pale, fast, strong, can climb trees effortlessly, and don’t die when you fall from great heights.
You’re incredibly good-looking
This might be the most difficult of vampire characteristics to interpret, but we are going to break this down for you so there is no question. You can only call yourself a vampire if you are incredibly good-looking and you’ve been the age you are right now for 300 years or more. The last distinction is an important one as it is, um, a dead giveaway. So, give yourself one point if you are super-good-looking, two points if you are pale and super good-looking, and 100 points or more if you are celebrating the 300th anniversary of your 17th birthday and/or you have a mural of graduation caps on your creepy mountain-house wall because you’ve graduated from high school so many times.
You are super-skinny
People who are unnaturally skinny are mocked just as much as heavy people. It can be a real curse for some. But does being underweight necessarily make you a creature of the night? Of course not. Put those fears to rest, but only if your slim physique is not coupled with any of the following: Your diet consists of animal or human blood, which you extract with your fangs through the jugular veins of your prey and/or you can’t sleep. Ever. Give yourself one point if you are super-skinny (B****. Did we say that out loud?), two points if you are super-skinny and like your meat rare, 100 points if you are super-skinny, you extract blood from human or animal necks and you haven’t slept in five years or more.
Under 100 points: You are delightfully freakish, but not a vampire.
Over 100 points: You’re a vampire. Enjoy that whole super-fast, wicked-thin, living-for-all-eternity thing.