When two people as hot as Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake tie the knot, it’s only karmically fair to imagine a few marital spats in their super-hot happily-ever-after. What will they find to fight about? Here are a few predictions.
No, no, no… you’re the hottest half
What must mornings be like for a couple as beautiful as Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel? We imagine it goes something like this: Jessica rolls out of bed, magically looking every bit of pouty-lipped perfection she did prior to rolling around with JT half the night. She saunters into their glamorous master bath, which is roughly the size of a college dorm. Standing before their dual vanities, they stroke each other’s vanities.
“No, really, you’re bringing sexy back.”
“No, no, no, you already brought sexy back.”
You get the picture.
You dry-humped your ex, so I get dibs on the next movie hookup
As a married couple in Hollywood, you have to contend with a unique marital problem: watching your partner make out with other hot entertainers. True, in the real world this counts as adultery and only gets you screen time on Cheaters, but it’s totes okay in celebrity circles. After all, it’s their “craft.”
But surely, even celebrity spouses try to keep their on-screen dalliances in check. Perhaps Justin and Jessica play rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to lock lips with a costar next? However, Jessica has some heavy ammunition in her arsenal to win this argument: Last year, Justin full-on dry-humped his former flame, Cameron Diaz, in Bad Teacher. That should earn JT’s new wifey a hot co-star hookup or two (or three) before he even thinks about puckering up again professionally.
You’ll never get an a** like mine with squats like that
Jessica is known for rockin’ an athletic physique, and this sporty chick doesn’t mess around when it comes to getting ready for a role. For Blade: Trinity, the brawny beauty hit the gym six days a week for a few hours at a time prior to filming and then followed up with an hour of fight training, an hour of archery and a strict diet throughout filming. There is one physical asset in particular, though, that the star is known for busting her butt for — literally. Whether she’s in the streets or at the gym, Biel frequently breaks out in squats to perfect that booty of hers. Justin, we’re not implying she could kick your a**… oh, wait, yes we are. Her a** alone could kick your a**. Here’s hoping you don’t bring any weak mess into the gym when you two are working out á deux.
Just once, I’d like to sing the high parts
Have you ever been driving down the interstate only to get stuck in traffic beside some wahoo in the throes of a passionate radio sing-along? There’s no mistaking the trademark mouth-agape, thumbs-drumming-the-steering-wheel style of a karaoke commuter. It seems like a certainty that the musically inclined JT and Jess partake to some degree in such musical shenanigans when on the road. Where we imagine they hit a speed bump is in divvying up the soprano parts. Jess might want to hit the more feminine high notes, but we all know JT can strike pitches as piercing as though his balls were in a vise grip. But hey, somebody’s gotta sing the lower register! We like to think of this spat as playing out like the singing car scene in Step Brothers.