After Home Alone, we were all rooting for Macauley Culkin’s career to flourish so we could see him on the silver screen more. Sadly, it just wasn’t in the cards. In the spirit of Halloween, we dug up the ghostly remains of Culkin’s and three other stars’ barely there whereabouts.
Macauley Culkin >
Place hands on cheeks while standing in front of mirror. Now scream. Do you feel famous yet? No? Strange. That pretty much launched Macauley Culkin into the child star stratosphere when he did it in the holiday film that never gets old, Home Alone. Unfortunately, nothing Macauley did after he made major bank at the box office as precocious Kevin McCallister could compare to the super-cuteness of that Home Alone scene. At least during his nearly decade-long relationship with Mila Kunis (uh, how the hell did these two hook up to start with?!), we knew he was alive. He popped up at Natalie Portman’s wedding this summer looking skin-and-bones scary — somebody send the boy a large cheese pizza, stat. His publicist says he’s “arty,” his fam says he’s on drugs. Ta-may-toe, ta-mah-toe, right?
Oh, Melanie… how we loved you in your earlier movies like Working Girl and Milk Money. With your saccharine voice and pretty smile, you oozed charm. As of late, however, what you’re oozing seems a bit more like desperation. Between the age-inappropriate tattoos, stint in rehab and volatile relationship with hubby (for now) Antonio Banderas, you’ve gone from sweetheart to seedy. Actually, we’re not even sure you’re responsible for your downfall. It appears as though you’ve had massive and repeated doses of Botox — either that or there’s an invasion of the face snatchers situation at play.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas >
During the sitcom Home Improvement’s heyday in the ‘90s, nary a girl in sight could keep her composure at the mention of Randy Taylor — the show’s middle child, played by none other than cutie-pie Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Happily, the fresh-faced hottie went on after Home Improvement’s end to star in a smattering of TV shows and movies… until around 2005, that is, when he dropped off the grid. Although he recently resurfaced for a Home Improvement reunion photo, it doesn’t look like JTT has anything percolating… other than the hormones of female fans who doodle, er, used to doodle his name all over their notebooks.
We’re ecstatic Kate Hudson is so successful these days, but every time we catch a glimpse of the bubbly blonde, we can’t help but feel nostalgic for a meaty movie role from her mama, Goldie Hawn. It’s been far too long since we’ve enjoyed Hawn on the big screen in films like Overboard and Death Becomes Her. Pictures capturing the actress lately show a slightly puffy, possibly plastic-surgeried up version of her former fabulous self, but we say slip the lady some cucumber slices, tame that just-released-from-the-psych-hospital hair and stick her in front of a camera! We’re that hard up for a little Hawn.