You’d think a gorgeous, young, successful actress married to an Italian prince would be living a fairy tale. You’d be wrong. Olivia Wilde says she suffered through a passionless marriage for too long — and she has a way for all of us to avoid the same fate.
Olivia Wilde is a lucky lady. Despite her lack of passion for her ex-husband pretty much killing her vagina, her new love Jason Sudeikis has resurrected it! And now she can frolic in the garden of her womanhood again!
Wilde spoke of her lady flower at These Girls, a night of monologues hosted by Glamour, and really opened up about the death of her marriage to that Italian prince.
“I felt like my vagina died,” she said. “Turned off. Lights out… And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
And if you feel like your vag has met an untimely death, Wilde has some advice for you: Get out of that relationship. “Sometimes your vagina dies,” she said. “Then you know it’s time to go. There’s no reason to sacrifice your womanhood and femininity for some sort of weird feeling of responsibility to something that may not be right. I feel like far too many women do that.”
The actress also explained that she has her own version of a love utopia called “Olivia Land” where that passion never dies.
“In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale,” she explained. “Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal. There’s the issue of kids. Okay this is fun.”
“In Olivia Land, all the kids go to boarding school at seven. It’s like in Harry Potter!”
And if you’re just not in the mood one night, Wilde has an answer for that, too: Hookers. “I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure,” she said. “That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.”
“In Olivia Land, the streets are paved with dark chocolate, and all the people are free of body hair and menstrual cramps.”
Jason Sudeikis only has six years left until his number is up and Wilde’s vag finds a new partner with whom to continue her hot serial monogamy.