Poor Santa! The holidays are just around the corner (if the Christmas decorations cluttering store shelves before Halloween are any indication) and the fat man with the big heart has to deliver gifts to people who have everything, and often have been much more naughty than nice. This year, Santa’s getting creative. Here’s a partial look at his celeb list…
Enter the eighth wonder of the world. Santa just doesn’t get it. He thinks Mariah is cute, but not stop-what-you’re-doing-to-stare gorgeous. She can reach a few high notes, but her music makes Santa want to eat Cheez Whiz until he collapses from a heart attack. Santa is still trying to figure out how she became an American Idoljudge, which implies people care what she thinks. Mariah is notorious for her diva antics, and hasn’t been playing nice with co-worker Nicki Minaj, so on Christmas Eve, Santa is sticking a big humble pie under the tree. Hopefully, in 2013 we will see a kinder, gentler Mariah.
Santa doesn’t think what Matthew has done to his new wife, Camila Alves, is very nice. She married Dallas from Magic Mike. After Matthew’s dramatic weight loss, she’s left with the emaciated old guy at the end of the block who checks the mail at 2 p.m. every day in his underwear. Santa thinks it was cruel to knock Camila up and execute a mean example of bait and switch. The only thing Santa is bringing Matthew is a lump of coal and a yearlong subscription to Omaha Steaks.
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Ms. Bynes spent her summer swiping swimsuits, getting kicked out of Spin class for behaving like a fah-reak, and running into things with her car. Santa was watching. For Christmas this year, Santa is wrapping up a mother and placing her under Amanda’s tree, since Amanda’s is clearly MIA. Her mother will have long heart-to-heart chats with her about how a young lady should behave, they will have girls’ days together that don’t involve getting inebriated or stealing things, and for the time being her new mother will take her keys away. (The mother that Santa is getting Amanda comes with a matching bike.)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the meanest housewife of all? Maybe if Teresa had played her cards right, everyone’s favorite jolly-old-elf would have brought her a stack of cash to get her out of bankruptcy. Santa may have gotten Teresa a divorce lawyer so she can dump her foul-mouthed, cheating, stump of a husband. Saint Nick might have placed a nanny under the tree to assist Teresa with her ill-mannered children. But Teresa spewed venom at her “friends” and family one too many times, so Santa is gift-wrapping a soul and placing it under Teresa’s gaudy tree. Hopefully, the soul will help Teresa distinguish right from wrong, make it more difficult for her to fabricate gross mistruths and if it works right, her soul should help her feel compassion and empathy for those around her. We’ll have to tune in to the 2013 episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey to see if Teresa is putting her new shiny soul to good use.
Honey Boo Boo
As you can imagine, Honey Boo Boo’s list is a long one. But Santa loves his Boo, and since Rosie O’Donnell stole his idea of buying them a house, Santa is placing shotgun-shell Christmas lights, a rubber singing fish in a Santa hat, and a year’s supply of chicken nuggets under the Thompson tree.
The American Public
As you can imagine, Santa needs a special room dedicated only to the lists of the American public. Sadly, not enough people ask for jobs, an end to hunger, or a cure for disease. All they want is an end to the presidential race and political ads, they want Keeping up with the Kardashians canceled (Santa’s early present this year was the cancellation of Jersey Shore), and they want Santa to take Lindsay Lohan back home with him to the North Pole so they never ever have to hear her name or see another headline about her again. And to all a good night.