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Madonna’s new music video “Turn Up the Radio”: A review

See us, in the back of the room, with our hand in the air? Yes, that is because we have recently watched Madonna’s new video, “Turn Up the Radio,” and we have just a couple of quick questions. Watch the video, and see if you come away with a few queries of your own.

What is happening with Madonna’s breasts?

These things have been around a while now, and we’ve seen our fair share of them. We don’t remember them being that big and bouncy. So has Madonna shoved a couple of chicken cutlets into her bra? Is that a water bra? Is this even Madonna? (Actually, it does kind of look like Priscilla Presley, not Madonna, riding around in the back of this convertible.)

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When the world gets you down…

…and nothing seems to go your way, you drive around and pick up random street dancers? People relieve stress differently, but is Madonna suggesting we drive around and pick up street contortionists and supah-fly hookers when the world gets us down? Hasn’t she ever seen Hitchhiker? Picking up street people when you are down is just trading one set of problems for another.

Does Madonna not believe in retakes anymore?

OK, so some performers lip-sync because they can’t perform well live (example: Super Bowl half-time show). But what do you do if you can’t lip-sync either? Madge gets a beat or two off more than once, but it’s like she got an epic case of the screw-its and her attitude was, “Good enough. They’ll get the idea. I’m Madonna, b****es, I do what I want.”

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Why is gas so expensive in Italy?

In this video, Madam M paid $30 for 21 liters of gas. By our estimation, that translates to about $5.38/gallon. And that vintage convertible doesn’t look like the most fuel-efficient ride in the world. If Madonna is going to be doing a lot of joyriding around the streets of Italy with random strangers, she may want to consider a more fuel-efficient option with more room.

Is Madonna trying to impersonate Stifler’s mom?

Remember Stifler’s mom from American Pie? This video sort of has a “Stifler’s mom takes all the kiddies in the neighborhood for a ride” vibe. It just makes us feel a little dirty when a scantily clad quinquagenarian rubs up against attractive, younger people.

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What the f*** is Madonna pointing at?

Madonna points about 25 times in this video. The back seat of a car provides limited space for dance moves, we get it. But all the pointless pointing looks dor-kay. She could have thrown in some jazz hands or recycled moves from her “Vogue” video. Just a suggestion for the next senseless-backseat-music-video.

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