Tom Cruise's real-life mission: Damage control

Jul 6, 2012 at 2:00 p.m. ET

In the days following the divorce filing heard round the world, several headlines have surfaced that make Katie Holmes out to be the big-bad-she-wolf who filed for divorce from the clueless Tom Cruise. Sit down, strap in and hold on. We have a feeling a Category 5 media storm is a-brewin’. Here are a couple signs…

Tom Cruise divorceTom Cruise maintains he was blindsided by Katie’s filing

Tom doesn’t strike us as a guy who lets much get past him. For example, he must have noticed that his wife was a no-show for the Rock of Ages promotional tour. An astute fellow like Tom may have also been struck by the realization that he and his wife stayed in different places when he was in New York City around June 10th. TMZ reported that Katie stayed in the couple’s apartment while Tom stayed at The Greenwich Hotel. Tom may have also noted that during his visit to the Big Apple, he and his wife’s pictures were taken, but never together. And speaking of pictures, Tom may or may not have seen a pattern emerge in family photos were Tom usually has a huge toothy grin plastered on his face and Katie looks like she wishes someone would plant her in a shallow grave. In Tom’s recent Playboy interview, he gushes about how what he and Katie has is very special, but then says when he asked her about being up at night and if she was okay, he presented her with a completed script. Those of you with significant others, even inattentive ones, don’t you think they’d notice if you were writing something of book-length equivalence?

Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise>>

Tom can’t speak to his daughter, Suri

In fact, Katie allegedly filed in New York because she has a better chance of getting sole custody of Suri. Why would a mother do that unless the mother fears the father will put the child in harm’s way? Headlines are screaming that Katie is fearful that the Church of Scientology will mastermind a smear campaign against her that will jeopardize her custody and relationship with her daughter, as is rumored to have happened between Nicole Kidman and her estranged children with Tom Cruise. It’s being reported that Tom is speaking to Suri everyday on the phone, so this claim seems ill-founded.

Katie Holmes to Tom Cruise: I want Suri!>>

Katie was fine with Scientology

This is one of the first of very few responses from Tom’s version of the story. Friends have come out saying that Katie was a willing participant in Scientology, and that the divorce has nothing to do with the Church of Scientology. Whether Katie was fine with Scientology or whether Tom told Katie she was fine with Scientology, we may never know. What we do know is that the Church of Scientology needs more bad publicity like John Travolta needs another guy to file sexual assault charges against him.

The first 5 things Katie will do after her divorce>>

Tom spent his 50th birthday alone

Sniff. Pass the tissues please. Here’s where the “Paint Tom Cruise as a sympathetic character” committee pulled out all the stops. No matter how much Tom and his stunts make us roll our eyes, no one wants to think of a lonely gay guy who is thrice divorced passing the half-century mark alone. (We’re kidding about the gay part Tom, so keep your legal eagles focused on your divorce.) What good does a big pile of money do you if your third wife is too busy filing divorce papers to spend your birthday with you? Awwww. That is kind of sad. Here’s hoping the next Tom Cruise ex sticks around longer than five years, so Tom doesn’t have to ring in his sixtieth birthday solo.

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