Amber Portwood, Teen Mom‘s resident rule breaker, will soon head behind bars for a May 24 probation violation — the latest in a long list of transgressions, from battering her fumbling baby daddy, Gary Shirley, to illegally popping prescription drugs. Since there is no shortage of women in reality TV we wish would get arrested simply for making the rest of us look bad, we’ve compiled our picks for the perfect “cellie” for prisoner Portwood. After all, (jail) birds of a feather flock together.
Teen Mom 2/Season 1‘s Jenelle Evans
A member of the Teen Mom franchise family, Jenelle Evans could band with Portwood to blame bad editing for their acerbic behavior. We’d likely place our bet, however, on solitary confinement following an epic catfight. With so much unbridled teenage ego in a small cell, things are bound to get hairy.
I Love New York‘s Tiffany “New York” Pollard
Anyone whose claim to fame includes making out with Flavor Flav certainly merits jail time. Brash and a bit of a bully (she dubbed herself “HBIC,” or head b**** in charge), Pollard could give Portwood a run for her money in the attitude arena.
The Bachelor‘s Courtney Robertson
Courtney Robertson secured her spot in reality TV history last season as the most hated Bachelor contestant to ever sully the airwaves. If a prison yard brawl breaks out, Portwood should probably stand clear of villainess Robertson — she’s known for backstabbing.
Jersey Shore‘s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Admittedly, Jersey Shore‘s pint-sized, pickle-eating party girl has toned down the tackiness (and tanning) since announcing she and fiancé Jionni LaValle are expecting their own little guido later this summer. Still, we’d enjoy watching her fist pump her way into confinement.
Kate Plus 8‘s Kate Gosselin
With her hideously coiffed hair and constant condescension on Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kate Gosselin immediately established herself as one of reality TV’s most grating personalities. Thankfully, we wouldn’t be privy to the parenting tips Gosselin and Portwood might share with each other.
Dance Moms‘ Abby Lee Miller
In the business of routinely making small children cry, Abby Lee Miller breeds great dancers and a heaping helping of resentment in said dancers. Since Portwood is already full of resentment, maybe Miller can teach her to plié and pirouette while brooding.
Keeping Up with the Kardashians‘ Kris Jenner
Forget Kim! The Kardashian we’d like to see behind bars is self-absorbed matriarch Kris Jenner. Since the only thing lady Jenner loves more than peddling her children out for publicity is drama, she and Portwood should get along famously.