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Can Fifty Shades of Grey just go away?

Yesterday when I read that Fifty Shades of Grey had spurred the sales of clothesline rope around the nation, I drew a line in the sand. No more. Enough is enough.

Fifthy Shades of Grey

Before I continue, I’ll reveal that I have not read this book, nor do I intend to. I am completely and utterly offended by the premise, although not for reasons you may think.

It’s not a secret that it’s tough being single today. Most of us are moms with or without full-time jobs who are trying to pay the bills, raise kids who aren’t a menace to society and then somehow also shoehorn in time for dating. We’re typically proud of ourselves if we get ready for a date and our roots aren’t showing or our nails don’t make our hands look like they belong to a logger. If we’re super-lucky, we may even have time to shower and shave (although probably just our calves, not our entire leg). Now we have to deal with the added pressure of performing acts that involve ropes, riding crops and handcuffs? Super.

Fifty shades of yuck >>

First we had to compete with all-access porn that has become part of many single men’s lifestyles. This reality has made certain acts that were once taboo mainstream. Now to that we get to add, “Your rope or mine?” If a guy is coming at me with rope, I’m just going to assume that he’s going to tie me up, toss me in his trunk and pitch me in the river somewhere. So instead of being turned on, I’m likely going to get out my mace and my rape whistle and run for my life. I have kids who are counting on me to return after my date.

Stephenie Meyer: Fifty Shades of Grey is “not my thing” >>

And can we talk about the riding crop for a second? I’m not a horse. If you want me to move, just ask me to. I don’t want someone to try to motivate me with a tool used on an animal that has a brain the size of a mushroom (though if I was a bettin’ gal, I’d guess horses don’t love those any more than we do!).

Ian Somerhalder in Fifty Shades of Grey? No, thanks >>

Look, this S&M trend is tremendously popular — we have to assume mostly with the long-committed who are looking for a little shot in the arm (or punch in the face, I guess). I’m not a prude — I get that you have to um… “switch” things up over time. I was married for 21 years. All I’m sayin’ is how about a little love for the single girls? Some of us are just trying to get a guy to buy us dinner without looking at our wrist size to see if his handcuffs will fit us.

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