How to keep your man a la Michelle Duggar

Feb 21, 2012 at 5:56 a.m. ET

Michelle Duggar has some advice on how to keep your man. Hint: Be totally submissive and don't make a move without asking first.

Michelle Duggar Jim Bob Duggar

Having a hard time keeping a man? Maybe it's because you're a shameless hussy who makes your own money, doesn't cave in to his sexual demands when you're not in the mood and goes to your girlfriends for advice. Luckily for you, Michelle Duggar is here to set you straight. Follow her tips and you'll be on your way to a near-abusive marriage in no time!

The mother of 19 -- who is, to be fair, by all accounts very happily married to Jim Bob Duggar -- was shown on the season premiere of 19 Kids and Counting speaking at a conference, and as part of her presentation, handed out a list of ways to fulfill the needs of your husband. Only one of these methods is even remotely reasonable.

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A poster on Television Without Pity was able to transcribe part of the handout, and this is the advice she gave. Remember, this is the year 2012.

"Seven Basic Needs of a Husband"

1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.

  How does a wife destroy her husband's manliness?

  A. By expecting him to know what protection you need

  • Physical
  • Spiritual
  • Mental
  • Emotional

 Tell your husband how he can protect you.

  B. By being financially independent

  • Love is killed by self-sufficiency.
  • Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.

Center your work and your ministry in your home.

  C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership

  • Pastor and church leaders
  • Men and women Bible teachers
  • Relatives and friends

Ask your husband your spiritual questions.

  D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit

  • A wife's spirit controls her husband's ambitions.
  • Reviewing past failure destroys a husband's self-worth.

 Learn to wisely appeal to your husband

  E. By resisting his physical affection

  • This is the unspoken crushing of a man's spirit.
  • A wife's Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband's abuse of…"

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Unfortunately, that's where the first page cut off and the transcription ends.

Let's examine this, shall we? The first part actually sounds like pretty decent advice: Don't assume a man can read your mind. Tell him what you want. Easy enough, right?

But it's immediately after that lesson that things rapidly go downhill. The rest of Duggar's relationship advice reads like a chapter from The Abusive Husband Handbook. According to her, the woman should be financially dependent upon her husband, never ask anyone but him for advice, let him make all the decisions and always give him sex when he wants it, even if you'd rather dig your eyeballs out with a spoon than take your skirt off.

No wonder she has all those kids. Saying no to that hunk of a man Jim Bob is simply out of the question.

Tell us: Is Michelle Duggar's marriage advice brilliant or BS?

Image courtesy Scott Enlow/TLC