Of all the bachelorettes in the history of The Bachelorette, Ashley is hands down the worst role model for single and dating women everywhere. Want to clear a room packed with 25 eligible bachelors in ten mere episodes and end up with nothing but your midriff baring half-shirts to dry your tears? Read on for Bachelorette Ashley’s dating don’ts!
Cry on a hot guy’s shoulder about another guy
Yes, Bentley was manipulative and terrible. If The Bachelorette were a silent film, he’d be wearing a cape and twirling his handlebar mustache evilly in the corner. (That is, when he isn’t twirling his hair into perfectly browned meringue curlicues, which he actually did in front of a bathroom mirror once.)
And, yes, it’s okay to be upset if a guy suddenly leaves, like Ashley was when Bentley bailed in the third episode. But if you have a stone-cold fox like JP right around the corner waiting to sweep you away on another awesome date, you might want to think about not donning your old glasses and sweatpants (sweatpants!), ordering in food and crying about the jerk to the nice guy who is way hotter. Just a thought.
Wear clothing that no one, especially straight men, understands
We can’t totally blame Ashley for this one because who knows who’s really picking out her clothes, but alternating between gauzy button-down shirts with daisy duke jean shorts and loud animal-print mini-dresses paired with giant chandelier earrings is a surefire way to alienate your core audience (dudes) — or score a ticket to a hoedown/sex worker convention. Someone once told us that guys don’t really understand fashion trends, but they do understand “pretty.” And Ashley is pretty. We suggest that she takes that advice.
Go bawl in the corner at any perceived slight
Whichever Bachelorette producer thought up the idea of “roasting” Ashley, Friar’s Club–style in Episode 3, is an evil genius with an emphasis on the “evil.” We knew the evening was going south before the guys even took the stage, but for anyone familiar with the concept of a roast, well, if you’re the “roastee,” being a good sport is a must. But this is Ashley we’re talking about, and these are guys who had go-to jokes about Ashley’s small boobs. Not so creative.
It was a low blow for William to say he would have preferred Emily or Chantal rather than Ashley, but there’s a good way to handle it — either (a) laugh and tell the idiot he’d better not quit his day job or (b) eliminate him immediately out of spite. The one thing you should not do is (c) go cry in a corner of a dark comedy club until someone (“yoooo-hoo! who wants to comfort me?!”) comes up and hugs you. Unfortunately, that someone was Bentley and the sad saga continued.
We admit poor Ashley did get royally screwed over by you know who…
Constantly tell men how insecure you are
If you repeatedly tell 25 men about how lame you are compared to a personality-free Barbie (Emily) or a weepy lush (Chantal)*, they’re going to eventually believe you. Emily and Chantal were lovely women, sure, but Ashley constantly talking about how insecure she is became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Girlfriend, you can dance like Bojangles, drill teeth with the best of them and walk in seven-inch heels without teetering. Those things are worth something when you’re in the dating pool. Own them!
[*No offense to Chantal. We’ve been known to enjoy the occasional cocktail ourselves.]
Choose only outwardly attractive men to date and ignore the rest
Once Ashley did the first few sweeps of rejection, the men left standing had something in common, and it wasn’t just that we weren’t able to tell any of them apart. It was pretty clear from the get-go that she deliberately chose the guys who resembled real-life Ken dolls. The guys who were average in looks? (Anthony, Frank, etc.) Gone! We think she missed out by only choosing the male model-esque suitors.
Up next: More of Bachelorette Ashley’s dating don’ts! >>