Food on the face is the best. There is no quicker way to lighten the mood. How can you possibly keep a straight face when a baby jabbers at you with spaghetti all over his mug? Or when a pre-teen has a hot fudge sundae grin? So if we could pick any celebrity we want to have a milk mustache, purely for our entertainment, who would it be and why? Here is the answer to that provocative question:
The Donald is really outdoing himself to get attention lately. Most of us just get a new hairstyle or a new pair of shoes, but not the Donald. He’s considering running for president! So if the Donald’s “people” are listening, a milk mustache for Mr Trump might be a brilliant campaign strategy. Milk is wholesome, good for you and helps you lose weight- all the attributes Americans look for in a presidential candidate!
Robert Pattinson could have mud on his face, broccoli in his teeth or a black eye and he’d still make our breath catch. Think about the scene in Water for Elephants where he got the tar beat out of him. Were you repulsed? Not bloody likely! And if you saw him with a milk mustache, would it really matter? Does Rob “Got Milk?” Who cares? Rob’s “Got Smoldering Eyes and a Sexy Smile.” Whether it’s Water for Elephants or Milk for People, we’ll take a glass.
When you win People magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” award, you need to be brought back down to Earth. Okay, maybe you don’t. But the rest of us would love to see you in a little less than perfect light, if only for a minute. It’s kind of like when the prettiest girl in first grade fell down on the playground and got a big ugly rip in her tights. You enjoyed that a little more than you should have, didn’t you? Admit it. So Jen, hook a sister up and smear some milk on your face already, okay? If you REALLY want to score points with your female fans, wear one on American Idol.
With her brighter-than-the-moon smile, we already know Kate is a milk drinker. She didn’t get that dazzling smile by growing up on Kool-Aid. Now that she’s pregnant, a milk mustache would be a good reminder to mommies everywhere to indulge in belly wash (to clarify, belly wash is a backwards term for milk, NOT something that you literally rub all over your growing belly).
Why do we want to see Sofia Vergara (Modern Family’s Gloria) with a milk mustache? Because men should drink milk too. How else can the dairy industry get the male population’s attention? That’s basic marketing, right? Go ahead, test this theory. Put a few guys in a room. Show them footage of a bunch of smelly cows in a field, mooing and chewing a face full of half-digested grass. Now cue up images of Sofia Vergara’s flawless skin, brilliant smile and milk mustache. At what point did the boys reach for a glass of milk? Umm hmm. We thought so.