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How to look like a Jersey Shore guidette

Jersey Shore season 2 premiered in all its faux-tanned, pretentious, fist-pumping glory. Somewhere between the acrylic nails and JWoww’s breasts, we couldn’t help but wonder: How on earth does one look so gorgeously classy? See below to get your Jersey Shore guidette on.

Jersey Shore guidettes are a rare breed of beauty. Something about the Mystic Tans, smudged black eye makeup and general eloquence with words makes us secretly wish we enjoyed such feminine power. So how exactly does one achieve the lovely look of Jersey Shore guidette? Observe.

Step 1: Buy bronzer in an unholy shade of orange

In the Jersey Shore season 2 premier, Snooki chalks up President Obama’s indoor tanning tax to his spite for the Jersey Shore cast. Riiiight. So how are you going to get that deep, delicious Jersey Shore guidette glow tax-free? Purchase a bottle of the cheapest fake tanning lotion you can find. On second thought, just let an Oompa Loompa pee on you.

Step 2: Get cheap extensions. Stroke them frequently.

If we had a dollar for every time Sammy “Sweetheart” touches her hair, we’d have enough to fix JWoww’s botched-up boob job. We wouldn’t, though. Because we’re greedy like that.

Step 3: Cultivate your muffin top

No Jersey Shore guidette would be complete without a pair of thunder thighs and a belt of baby fat around her waist. Do not neglect your short-shorts. Do neglect your daily exercise routine.

Step 4: Add kitsch.

Whether it’s a slightly exposed nipple, a trucker hat that says “Porn Star” or good old-fashioned leopard-print underwear, a Jersey Shore guidette must balance her look with a touch of class.

Step 5: Poof it up.

To get Snooki’s signature poof, gather hair at the crown, insert XXXXXL Bump-It, pin hair in back, then pair with some pink fuzzy bunny slippers.

Step 6: Insert pickle into mouth.

No, you’re not objectifying yourself. You just like pickles.

Now that you have successfully transformed yourself into a Jersey Shore guidette, you may want to take some preventative measures before searching for your very first juiced-up guido. As in, like, sterilize yourself.

For more on Jersey Shore:

Jersey Shore takes on Twilight
Jersey Shore’s Snooki things everyone is jealous of her
Jersey Shore’s Angelina says MTV show ruined her life

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