Jersey Shore season 2 premiered in all its faux-tanned, pretentious, fist-pumping glory. Somewhere between the acrylic nails and JWoww’s breasts, we couldn’t help but wonder: How on earth does one look so gorgeously classy? See below to get your Jersey Shore guidette on.
Step 1: Buy bronzer in an unholy shade of orange
In the Jersey Shore season 2 premier, Snooki chalks up President Obama’s indoor tanning tax to his spite for the Jersey Shore cast. Riiiight. So how are you going to get that deep, delicious Jersey Shore guidette glow tax-free? Purchase a bottle of the cheapest fake tanning lotion you can find. On second thought, just let an Oompa Loompa pee on you.
Step 2: Get cheap extensions. Stroke them frequently.
If we had a dollar for every time Sammy “Sweetheart” touches her hair, we’d have enough to fix JWoww’s botched-up boob job. We wouldn’t, though. Because we’re greedy like that.
Step 3: Cultivate your muffin top
No Jersey Shore guidette would be complete without a pair of thunder thighs and a belt of baby fat around her waist. Do not neglect your short-shorts. Do neglect your daily exercise routine.
Step 4: Add kitsch.
Whether it’s a slightly exposed nipple, a trucker hat that says “Porn Star” or good old-fashioned leopard-print underwear, a Jersey Shore guidette must balance her look with a touch of class.
Step 5: Poof it up.
To get Snooki’s signature poof, gather hair at the crown, insert XXXXXL Bump-It, pin hair in back, then pair with some pink fuzzy bunny slippers.
Step 6: Insert pickle into mouth.
No, you’re not objectifying yourself. You just like pickles.
Now that you have successfully transformed yourself into a Jersey Shore guidette, you may want to take some preventative measures before searching for your very first juiced-up guido. As in, like, sterilize yourself.