SNL Weekend Update anchors Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers get you up to date.
— “A volunteer adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton ‘a monster.’ Responded Hillary: ‘Arrrrrrrrrrr!'”
— “President Bush said Thursday that he would probably accept foreign donations to build his Presidential Library in Dallas, and would keep donors names confidential if they do not want to be identified. And yet still, nothing.”
— “A Chihuahua that went paragliding in Australia strapped to its owner’s chest survived when the pair crashed into a tree shortly after taking off. Afterwords, the angry owner chastised the dog, saying, ‘That’s the last time we try one of your stupid ideas.'”
— “New York City Police are offering a $12,000 dollar reward for information leading to the arrest of whoever was responsible for Thursday’s Times Square bombing. $12,000 dollars? Wow, sounds like the police are mildly interested in catching this guy.”
— “A bar owner in Atlanta has created a robot armed with a water cannon that he uses to chase away drug dealers. This just in: a bar owner in Atlanta has been murdered by wet drug-dealers.”
— “According to a BBC report, the Hell’s Angels plotted to kill Mick Jagger in 1969 by sailing to his beachfront vacation home and launching a surprise attack, but were thwarted when their boat capsized in rough weather. It’s surprising because if there’s one thing the Hell’s Angels are known for it’s amphibious naval assaults.”