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SNL returns

“Saturday Night Live” is back!  Did you miss it?  If so, here are a few of
the most quotable quotes from this week’s all-new “Weekend Update.”

SNL's back...thanks to Tina!(Warning for mild language) 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER: “The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or as it’s known among lobbyists … lobbying.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS: “On Tuesday, after 49 years in power, 81 year-old Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba’s president. Quitter!”

MEYERS: “U.S. Military officials have announced that they successfully shot down a damaged spy satellite Wednesday and that the resulting shards of debris are expected to be no larger than footballs. Thousands of them…raining down from the sky in an apocalyptic nightmare of toxic hellfire. So, rest easy.”

MEYERS: “Baseball player Andy Pettitte apologized Monday for taking performance-enhancing drugs, blaming his actions on ‘stupidity’ and ‘desperation’ and ‘not expecting to get caught.'”

POEHLER: “Scientists on Monday said they have discovered evidence of a large toad, nicknamed the devil frog, which lived 65 million years ago and may have eaten newborn dinosaurs. But then, when pressed for details, the scientists admitted they were just making it all up.”

MEYERS: “A California man’s collection of 301 rare American pennies sold at auction this week for 10.7 million dollars. Far exceeding my pre-auction estimate of three dollars and one cent.”

POEHLER: “Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket Wednesday night in New York for possession of marijuana. Snoop called the ticket ‘unfair’ and ‘hard to roll.’

MEYERS: “The hot new toy at this year’s Toy Fair is the Spykee robot, which can change TV channels, play music from its built-in iPod dock and send live video through a WiFi connection to any computer in the world. Yet another in a long line of setbacks for wooden blocks.”

WOMEN’S NEWS CORRESPONDENT TINA FEY: “Finally, the most important women’s news there is, we have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton. And yet, women have come so far as feminists, they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to. Which raises the question of why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? some say they’re put off by the fact that Hillary can’t ‘control’ her husband and that we would end up with co-presidents. ‘Cause that would be terrible — having two intelligent, qualified people working together to solve problems. Yeah, why let Starsky talk to Hutch, I wanna watch that show ‘Starsky’ Are you weirded out that they’re married? ‘Cause I can promise you, they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.” 

“What bothers me most, people say Hillary’s a bitch. And let me say something about that. Yeah, she is. And so am I. And so is this one (MOTIONING TOWARD AMY). Bitches get stuff done. That’s why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests. Those nuns are mean old clams, they sleep on cots. They’re allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont. It’s not too late Texas and Ohio! Get on board. Bitch is the new black.”

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