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7 Conspiracy Theories About Malia & Sasha Obama That Are So Absurd You Have to Laugh

In a surprise cameo, Malia and Sasha Obama popped up in their mom Michelle’s Netflix documentary Becoming this week. And for many of us, it made us feel nostalgic for the days when the sisters still lived in the White House and we watched them grow up before our very eyes. It even compelled us to explore what the daughters have been up to since their parents were POTUS and FLOTUS. And what we found? Well, we were not expecting it.

To clarify, the Obama sisters have been living remarkably normal lives. They’re in school — Malia at Harvard and Sasha at the University of Michigan. Malia reportedly has a boyfriend. Sasha, like most teens, likes to hang out with her friends. Standard stuff! But there apparently exist on the dark underbelly of the internet those who believe the Obama sisters are tangled up in many oh-so-far-from-ordinary things.

There are conspiracy theories, and then there are the wild yarns being spun in the nefarious crevices of the internet about Malia and Sasha. They’re so outrageous, in fact, that we just had to pull them into the light and laugh at them. Join us in taking a look at the wackiest Malia and Sasha conspiracy theories cooked up by trolls online.

Not born of the Obamas

Did you know that Malia and Sasha aren’t even Barack and Michelle’s children? Us either. Oh, wait. That’s right; this is just some half-cocked theory pushed by the-worst-kind-of-birthers on the web. The speculation here will blow your mind. Some trolls claim Michelle couldn’t possibly have carried the girls because she was born a man named Michael LaVon Robinson. Some insist that Martin and Anita Nesbitt, old friends of the Obamas, are clearly Malia and Sasha’s quote-unquote real parents. Others don’t offer any explanation other than to say there would be more pictures of pregnant Michelle if the girls were hers.

The federal government-Hollywood collusion scheme

Apparently, neither Malia and British boyfriend Rory Farquharson got into Harvard — where they met — on their own merit. Rather, they got in because they are the offspring of parents who are in on a secret scheme with the government to control the masses’ minds. “They’re all connected,” responded one conspiracy theorist on Twitter to another. “A vicious cycle where those in power dictate what the masses think while their offspring get a separate higher quality education.” Erm, okay.

The Illuminati connection

You had to see this one coming, yeah? At some point, anyone who is in a position of influence or power is said to be part of the Illuminati. And for whatever reason, conspiracy theorists really, really seem to think Sasha is in deep with the secret organization. The “proof” said conspiracy theorists offered to support these allegations started to get so ridiculous that it led comedian and actor Desus Nice to joke that a unicorn sweater Sasha wore was “definitive proof” that the Illuminati is real.

Nefarious, top-secret social media pages

Last February, the Daily Mail claimed it had discovered Malia’s personal Facebook page where she shared her innermost thoughts and feelings… especially those surrounding her father’s presidential successor Donald Trump. Of course, the page is not actually attributed to Malia and hasn’t been updated in years. But, per the Mail, they have it on good authority it’s Malia’s. And, oh yeah, Sasha apparently also has a secret Facebook page where she hides her teenage indiscretions. Because that’s logical, right?

Dark prophet

When Malia was photographed smoking what appeared to be a blunt in 2016, the grainy snapshots quickly went viral. And while most people responded with defenses of the then-college-freshman (“let her be a college kid!”), some people on the internet claimed she was obviously self-medicating to help her deal with her dark prophecies.

Sasha’s absence

When Sasha was a no-show at her dad’s farewell speech, she actually had a legitimate reason — she had a big exam early the next morning. But oh, how the theories surrounding Sasha began to spring up. Some were all in good fun. However, there were plenty who offered far less innocuous theories for her absence, including her being grounded for throwing a secret White House rager and her threatening to unveil Obama-era White House secrets on their way out.

The gap year cover-up

In 2016, the same year Barack Obama wrapped up his final term as president, the family revealed that eldest daughter Malia would be taking a gap year before starting her freshman year at Harvard. This is not an uncommon thing for young people to do. But per the keyboard experts on the internet, Malia’s gap year was fabricated to mask the fact that she’d gotten pregnant at 16 and needed to hide it from the world long enough to give birth and give the child up for adoption. If we rolled our eyes any harder right now, they’d be spinning like a slot machine.

Before you go, click here to see celebrity kids all grown up. 

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