Imagining a World Where Gwyneth Paltrow Had Married Brad Pitt
Gwyneth Paltrow recently celebrated her bachelorette and engagement party in preparation for her wedding to producer Brad Falchuk. This will be Paltrow's second marriage; she divorced her first husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, in 2016. However, this actually her third engagement. If we go way back into the archives, Paltrow was engaged to Brad Pitt back in 1996, and they were Hollywood’s golden couple (before Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, that is). Blonde, good-looking and with matching haircuts, the duo were the envy of everyone.
Paltrow has talked a lot about the failed relationship and what went wrong. In 2015, she explained to Howard Stern that it was her fault. "I was such a kid, I was 22 when we met. It's taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. You can't make that decision when you're 22 years old... I wasn't ready, and he was too good for me,” she said on Stern's SiriusXM radio show. "I didn't know what I was doing."
America was heartbroken over the end of the engagement, and so was another member of Paltrow's family: her father, the late Bruce Paltrow.
"My father was devastated," she shared to Stern.
So, what would the world have looked like if the two had walked down the aisle? Envision it along with us.
A day in the life of Pitt-altrow... Palitt... Pittrow (someone help?!) in 2018
It's Sunday morning. Brad stirs awake and removes a dream-inducing silk charmeuse sleep mask from his eyes — a product each member of the house is testing out for their beloved (and highly profitable) family vlog, Goot, which reaches 22,307,541 subscribers each week (that's more than Ellen DeGeneres' channel) and is described by critics as the "first-ever product and food review channel where the whole family gets involved — even better when the family happens to be American royalty."
He lies there for a moment, checking his watch. It's 8:30 a.m. With a house full of kids, he's surprised he actually got to sleep in. Brad loses himself in the silence for a minute, breathing in the freshly purified air and gazing around his shared, minimalistic bedroom wondering if good family friends Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman (they're married, naturally) were right — that Brad adorns his house with the most uncomfortable furniture. Before he can decide or will himself out from under the wool sheets (lightly woven with small amounts of gold carat and silk jacquard to ensure a good night's sleep), Gwyneth walks in, a glass in each hand.
"Good morning, sleepyhead. How did the sleep mask work out?" she asks while handing him a smoothie made of almond milk, "brain dust," bee pollen and — Gwyneth's favorite — moon juice vanilla mushroom adaptogenic protein.
"I didn't have any dreams again," he responds. "Maybe it doesn't really work like they say it will. Or maybe I don't dream at night because my real dreams come to life when I awake." A response only the perfect, all-American husband could give.
Gwyneth plants a kiss on his soft, well-hydrated lips.
"I don't have to do my oil pulling first today?" he asks.
"I'll give you a pass this one time," she whispers.
Brad places their glasses on the nearly invisible table next to the bed and pulls Gwyneth down just as they hear Angel, their 10-year-old daughter (her name was inspired by Brad Pitt's Golden Globes acceptance speech in 1996), waltz in.
"Breakfast is ready!" she exclaims, hitting an Oscars statuette against the newly installed accordion doors, something she often does to get attention. Let's call it the youngest sibling syndrome.
"I told you you could only play with the People's Choice and SAG Awards trophies, Angel," Brad says.
"You've got so many," she responds with an eye roll, "what's the diff?"
Gwyneth, Brad and Angel step into the elevator located just outside their bedroom. They hit the button for the third floor while Angel fills them in. "Seven is watching cartoons in English. I told him we're only allowed to watch TV in French! And Pear and Pitt are eating the cannolis Aunt Amal and Uncle George sent us from Lake Como! Before they eat breakfast!"
(Seven, their 18-year-old son, was named after the film Brad and Gwyneth met while filming. Pear and Pitt are their 15-year-old boy/girl twins — and yes, the son's full name is Pitt Pitt.)
The design of their living room is simplistic, similar to Brad and Gwyneth's bedroom, except the wall that leads to the kitchen displays an array of framed posters. All the films they've starred in together since marrying in 1998: Shakespeare in Love, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Iron Woman (where Gwyneth played Tonya Stark and Brad the love interest), The Tree of Life, Allied and a bevy of rom-coms that play in a loop on TBS any given rainy day.
The entire family — Brad, Gwyneth, Angel, Pear, Pitt and Seven — make their way onto the terrace overlooking the Malibu beach to eat their usual morning breakfast of eggs, grain-free toast and a tablespoon serving of lemon-flavored flax oil. They converse in Italian while the sound of ocean waves hitting rocks down below serves as their soundtrack.
"Abbiamo una terapia musicale di famiglia in un'ora," Brad says. "Poi tuo madre e io dobbiamo prepararci per il ballo incontrato stasera." (Translation: "We have family music therapy in an hour, then your mother and I have to get ready for the Met Ball tonight.")
The entire Met Museum was relocated from New York to Los Angeles to ensure Brad & Gwyneth's presence at each year's annual Ball.
"Your Aunt Cameron and Uncle Matt are going to pop in to check on you guys and gals while we're out," Gwyneth adds. (Cameron Diaz and Matt Dillon had a double wedding with Gwyneth and Brad in 1998, and they've been neighbors ever since.)
"I have plans to go out with Biebs and Kendall tonight," Seven says. Brad and Gwyneth trade a glance, but they've gotten into the argument before. This time, they just shake their heads, resigned. "All right."
After family music therapy (which consists of dancing around and singing age-appropriate songs like "What About Us" by Pink and "Beautiful Day" by Bono), Gwyneth and Brad head to a private couples' meditation session in their at-home studio located in the second guest house. It's just something they do every other day to make sure they reconnect. After finishing the session with a four-minute gaze into each other’s eyes, Brad heads to his pottery studio to work on a new project. Meanwhile, Gwyneth makes her way her to a dermatology appointment for a face yoga session. She's driving the new Tesla Elon Musk sent them just the day before.
Fast-forward; it's 5 p.m. The paparazzi are staked outside the gated estate, waiting to get a peek at Brad and Gwyneth's Met Ball ensembles. The theme this year is "fashion-forward faux fur." To control the chaos with the photographers and protect the privacy of their kids, Brad and Gwyneth head out to the front lawn — outside the gates — to give them a posed picture. The world shortly after is gifted this:
Since Brad's thumbs are covered by his rabbit mitts, Gwyneth pulls out her cell phone to order a car. "Your Uber driver will arrive in 10 minutes in a black Escalade," her phone reads. The two of them rush back into the house to kiss Angel, Pear and Pitt goodbye (the Biebs had already come by to pick up Seven).
"Here's $400 for dinner," Gwyneth says. "Remember, only garden-to-table stuff. Or you can ask the chef to make your favorite cold Dan Dan noodles and rose lattes again. But no coffee after 7 p.m."
Ding! The Uber has arrived. Gwyneth and Brad walk down the red-adorned stairs (their very own in-home red carpet) to exit the house. As they pile into the car, Brad takes off his rabbit head. "Pick up for Pittrow?" he asks, only to look up and see their Uber driver is Harvey Weinstein, shamed out of the film business. Well, this won't do.
Weinstein had been blacklisted from Hollywood after Pitt not only confronted him but demanded he be banned from the A-list world after he sexually harassed Paltrow at a party in 1995 — something unprecedented at that time.
"I had so much fun driving the Tesla earlier today," says Gwyneth, "I'll just drive us there." They shoo Weinstein away, without much sympathy that he's down on his luck. As Gwyneth pulls out of the driveway, holding Brad's costumed hand, a call comes in via her Bluetooth.
"Angelina Jolie is calling," the car announces. Gwyneth shoots Brad a look and takes the call.
"Gwyneth, darling!" Jolie says. "I know you're probably on your way to the Met Ball, but I wanted to share some exciting news. Oh, Oprah is on the call, too."
Oprah chimes in, her voice reverberating through the futuristic car. "We'd love to move forward on producing a biopic feature film inspired by your romance with Brad. You get a role and Brad gets a role and George gets a role and Amal gets a role!"
"Oh, that's fantastic!" Gwyneth exclaims. "Let's talk out all the details soon."
"Gwenny-poo," Brad says as soon as the call ends, "This rabbit suit is getting itchy, and I really just want to spend the night with you. What say we skip the event and just head to the tarmac? Versailles for a night to celebrate this wonderful news?"
"I'm so glad I married you," she coos. As they drive off into the sunset, Brad removes the upper half of the rabbit costume to reveal his 14-pack abs and a tattoo of Gwyneth's face on his left pec. Out of nowhere it seems, he starts serenading his wife with "Adventure of a Lifetime" by Coldplay.
"I feel my heart beating, I feel my heart beneath my skin. Oh, I can feel my heart beating, 'cause you make me feel like I'm alive again."
And all ends well in the Pittrow universe.