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Stop Telling Me to Watch Star Wars — I’m Never Going To

I have a confession to make. It’s something that when I tell people for the first time tends to elicits gasps, pearl-clutching and insistence that I never had a real childhood. Here it is; are you ready?

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I’ve never seen Star Wars.

Nope, not a single one. And you know what? At this point, I just don’t think I’m going to. Everyone who hears this fun fact is sure they’ll be the one to show me the error of my ways. “We have to have a movie night and watch them!” says everyone.

But I’m sorry, a movie night? Fam, do you realize how dang many of these movies there are now? At this point, there are eight films. Not a single one of them is under two hours long. Their total combined run time, provided I didn’t miss any of them when I added this up, is a truly astonishing 17 hours and 54 minutes. That is 18 hours of Star Wars. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Listen. I’m a girl who waffles on where to go to dinner on any given night. Ask me my favorite ice cream flavor, and the pressure will be too much for me. Commitment is a real struggle. And watching 18 hours of Star Wars is one hell of a commitment. I’m sorry to say I’m just not ready for that. It’s not you, Star Wars. It’s me. It’s definitely me.

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Sure, I could get around this by just watching one film, but there are a couple of problems with that. First, every single Star Wars fan has a different opinion on which one a first-timer should watch first. Ask five fans, and you’ll get five different answers. At that point, I think I’m just gonna go watch Love Actually again instead.

Second (and far more important), I just don’t see the appeal of a world where people fight with laser swords and blow up entire planets and hang with robots and a giant furry animal that “speaks” in truly obnoxious gurgle roars. I’m not a fan of movies that glorify fighting and war, and if there ever were a movie franchise that tries to make a giant intergalactic war look cool as hell, it’s Star Wars. Nope. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

And you know what? I’m OK with this. The pop-culture references that come from Star Wars are so commonplace in our vernacular at this point, I don’t feel like I’m really missing out. I can rattle off a “Do or do not, there is no try,” or a “Luke, I am your father,” just as easily as anyone who has seen the source material. I’m glad there are people out there who love and connect with Star Wars, but I just don’t really see myself being one of them. I don’t feel like there’s anything missing from my life because Star Wars has never been a part of it.

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And as long as I never see a single Star Wars movie, I will always win at two truths and a lie. That’s an added bonus I’m not ready to give up.

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