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Jon Stewart Tried Really Hard to Say Something Nice About Donald Trump

Once again, President Donald Trump has been tweeting insults at whomever crosses his path. This time, it was late-night talk show hosts, who Trump blasted for siding with Democrats and called “unfunny” in a tweet before asking them, “Should we get equal time?”

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Stephen Colbert had a plan to try to even things up by inviting his good friend and fellow late-night host Jon Stewart to help him make sure that for every negative thing that was said about Trump, something positive would be said too. All about equal time, right?

Except it wasn’t as easy as it sounds.

Colbert started off by talking about how ridiculous it is that Trump is asking for this bizarre sort of equality in news coverage, saying, “Donald Trump thinks we should give equal time on a comedy show even though the election is over, kind of like if The Big Bang Theory was immediately followed by the Creationist Bazinga Fun Time Hour starring Jesus and his roommate, a T-Rex. Look out for the spinoff, Young Jesus.”

Stewart was then asked to say something nice about Trump. He looked around nervously, then whispered to Colbert, asking if he could have more time to prepare. Finally, he said, “Donald Trump is not a cannibal.”

Next, Colbert mentioned more literal facts that have happened in the last week that maybe don’t paint Trump in the most appealing light. “Last week, we learned that Donald Trump’s own Secretary of State called him a [bleep] moron. Not only is that an insult, he gave away Trump’s Secret Service code name,” Colbert said.

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Stewart answered with, “Given the choice between having hot lava poured into my pee hole and Donald Trump being president I choose lav… the latter.”

Finally, Colbert mentioned Trump’s latest edict that gives employers the option to deny birth control coverage for women on religious and moral grounds. Steward replied with, “Donald Trump is great to women… Good… Better than Harvey Weinstein.”

Colbert sharply and cheekily remarked, “I would fact-check that.”

Stewart’s faux breaking point came when a clip was played showing Trump in a roomful of top military personnel telling reporters that we are currently in “the calm before the storm.” When prompted by reporters about what “storm” he’s talking about, he only said cryptically, “You’ll see,” which clearly set Stewart off.

“What the fuck is wrong with this guy?! Why would you — you’ll find out? A cliffhanger. Surrounded by military people,” Stewart said. “How is all this not the storm? This is all the storm. And what kind of a sociopath would use that terminology while people are still literally cleaning up from storms? I’m sorry. I can’t be positive. I can’t do it.”

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