For the first 15 minutes, I just stared at the TV open-mouthed as the guests were introduced. They are all so extra! Plus, the weird acting-surprised-when-they-find-the-Big-Brother-Key thing makes me eye-roll so hard I think I might pass out. So they just didn't notice the eight-person camera crew while teaching their dance class or doing construction? I started to realize that there is very little reality in reality shows.
I've turned into Trump. All of these weirdly intense people are talking about their weirdly intense game strategies like using their looks and befriending people and overpowering them with Southern charm and I'm sitting here like, "What?" These strategies are all terrible! Every single one!
OK, every single one except for the professional interrogator. She has legit training in lying and manipulation, so she might actually be onto something.
Actual quote from Jillian after she admits that she went with her mom and sister to Tijuana to get weight-loss surgery: "Who does that?"
Um, fucking no one, Jillian, because that's incredibly ill-advised. Oh, sweet Lord.
I'm now screaming at the TV for them to stop screaming. They're all screaming all the time whenever anyone does anything. When they enter the house they all scream. Why are they all so excited to see these people they've never met? I'm bewildered by the screaming and it's making me irrationally angry.
This house is fugly
I am no interior designer, but I like to think I know how to put a room together. This house, though? I mean, the network has money, right? Why does it look like this? Why does nothing look good together? Why are there eight different ugly flooring types that all meet in the living room? What's with all the apples everywhere? Is that framed money on the wall?
What are superfans?
They keep talking about superfans and it's unclear whether this is, like, an official designation or just a term that is used by really big fans of the show. I could Google it, I guess, but I really don't care.
He looks like wreck it Ralph.
Seriously, stop screaming!
My daughter is sleeping and every time these people scream, I have to turn down the volume, and then five seconds later, I have to turn it up again when someone starts huddling around and talking in conspiratorial whispers. It's a lot of work.
OMG yes, Julie! She's like, "You guys are cheering and you don't even know what it is yet."
Yass, kween. Call them out on their nonsense screaming! Is she always sassy like this? I like her. Plus, she has A-plus ponytail game.
Josh, do up your shirt
When your shirt has five buttons, three of them should not be undone. It's just unnecessary.
This isn't a euphemism for Jessica's, um, coconuts. I'm talking about the actual coconuts that they're inexplicably sitting in while hanging from the ceiling. They all look so uncomfortable and hot. Can anyone look cool while hanging in a suspended coconut?
Oh, no Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin starts undressing after secretly winning the $25,000 mystery coconut temptation prize (official title). He says it's for... strategy? When inside again, he is suddenly shirtless. Dude went from a three-piece suit to shirtless. That escalated quickly.
Paul loves himself so much. Paul loves himself more than anyone else could ever love him. Paul with all of his rings acts like he doesn't like the responsibility of choosing someone to leave, but make no mistake, Paul loves this responsibility because it means everyone has to crowd around and pander to his delicate Paul ego.
Watching everyone suck up to Paul is torturous. The flirting by the women, the strange handshake/clap/pound thing all the men seem to know how to do, calling each other dude and bro. It's the oddest thing ever. The best part of everything was Cody refusing to play, refusing to kiss the ring. Just sitting there and calmly asking Paul how old he was. I laughed so hard. Go, Cody. You're officially my favorite. (Wait, I have a favorite now? What's happening?)
Garden of Eden, temptation, snakes, apples — weget it!
They're just really beating us over the head with this theme. Where's the subtlety? Plus, this elimination challenge seems unnecessarily complicated — trapezes? Giant apples? Painted people pretending to be snakes? The weird grass room looks strangely cheap. Is it always like this?
Wow. Um, shirtless Cody. I didn't... I mean I'm not usually... uh... I just...
Yes. Yes, he's officially my favorite. I feel like everyone probably hates him, but he's my favorite. Can we fix his hair, though?