On July 9, Candy Crush will make a leap from your mobile device to prime-time television, where four teams will crush candy competitively until one winner takes home a cool $100,000. Hosted by Mario Lopez, the new game show based on the popular free app hopes to carry some of the famous addictiveness of the one-player game to a huge studio.
I’m excited to watch, except that I don’t really watch television anymore. Rather, I listen to television while my eyes are locked on my most recent game of Candy Crush Saga, to which I have been addicted for years (I’m also addicted to Soda Crush, but that is a slightly different story). I’m not quite convinced that watching other people play Candy Crush could possibly be as exciting as actively playing myself, but I would be happy to be proven wrong. Right after I finish this game.
From one addict to another, here are my top signs that you have a problem. A candy problem. A candy crushing problem.
You’ve unlocked your phone to text someone but automatically opened the Candy Crush app instead
i think i need to start a go fund me for my candy crush addiction
— lexi simpson (@lexisimpson47) February 6, 2017
Has this happened to you? You pick up your phone to check the weather or text a friend or make a call, and suddenly you find yourself tapping the Candy Crush icon again. It’s either from pure habit or because your subconscious has taken control of your body and is absolutely determined to beat level 1136 without using any jelly fish.
You’ve changed the time and date in your iPhone settings in order to get more lives
I have an addiction to Candy Crush. Every time I loose all my lives I get so pissed off I throw my phone. I should probably delete the app..
— Kelly Avey 💕 (@AveyKelly) April 12, 2017
It’s a sad moment in Candy Land when you run out of free lives and have to sit on your couch pondering whether you are going to spend real money in order to get more. And I’m sure every Candy Crush addict remembers the joyous day they discovered that they can get infinite lives simply by going into their phone’s settings and changing the date, tricking the Candy Crush app into thinking that they’ve patiently waited for a life refill. Of course, it’s annoying to change the date and time on your phone. Yes, it is pretty disastrous when your forget to change it back. But it’s all worth it for the chance to crush candy without limits.
You hold deep convictions about whether it’s cheating to use the lollipop hammer
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
— Sound Geek (@KingMz3ishar) February 19, 2017
There are 12 Candy Crush boosters, including the lollipop hammer, the color bomb and the coconut wheel. Some people think it’s cheating to use any boosters to win a level unless the boosters are contained within the board. Some people think it’s OK to use boosters as long as they are free. Finally, some people buy boosters and use them liberally in order to get ahead. Any one of these people could be Candy Crush addicts, and all of the addicts are deeply sure their approach is the only right and true one.
You’ve secretly watched Candy Crush YouTube videos and then erased your browser history
i am fully aware of my candy crush addiction, but when u reach level 902 there's just no point in stopping now.
— Serafina (@thatfina) March 7, 2017
We’ve all gotten hopelessly stuck on a level before. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. If you’re a real addict, you don’t give up and decide to go garden for a while — you open up YouTube and watch some other Candy-obsessed player beat the level on video. Then you destroy all evidence that you cheated and watched a video. You get bonus points for this if you have recorded video of yourself playing Candy Crush!
You’ve played so much that you’ve seen beautiful, beautiful crushed candy every time you blink
*relapses on candy crush addiction*
— stine (@stineUbeezy) April 23, 2017
After a certain number of hours, Candy Crush enters your brain on a whole new level. You begin to think about every aspect of your life in terms of Candy Crush. Everything becomes candy you can crush. And when you sleep, you have Candy Crush dreams.
You’ve thought to yourself, “Maybe I should get addicted to slot machines instead, so I’d at least have a chance at winning money”
Is there a 12 step program for a Candy Crush addiction? Asking for a friend…….
— Sarah Paasch (@Paaschypants23) April 25, 2017
Candy Crush addictions can be truly serious. They can cut into your sleep, your personal relationships, your career, your dreams. Sometimes, you might even decide to play Candy Crush instead of going out or watching television. It’s in these moments that you might wish for a different addiction altogether. Maybe gambling? Sex? Perhaps you could pick up smoking so you have something to do with your hands.
You’ve fallen asleep with a Candy Crush game clutched in your hand
My Candy Crush addiction is so bad that I have like 8 separate sagas to play while my lives recharge
— Nicole DeSantis (@nicoledesantis5) January 10, 2017
There’s nothing quite like playing Candy Crush in bed until you literally can’t keep your eyes open, and then dreaming wonderful dreams filled with jelly fish and color bombs.