Red alert, Bachelor Nation! Rachel Lindsay has officially confirmed that she is, right at this moment, in love and engaged.
“I am very much so in love and very much so engaged!” she said.
Obviously, she didn’t say who put the rock there, because that would defeat the purpose of the next 10 to 12 Monday nights we’re going to spend in sweatpants with Chardonnay in hand. Anyway, that’s what I’m here for. As a champion Bachelor predictor — I called that Nick Viall would be Bachelor as soon as he was announced for Paradise, nailed his top three and successfully predicted that Lindsay would be Bachelorette, all before the season even started — I’m here with my top three picks for who’s going to be the lucky guy to win Lindsay’s heart. Keep in mind that these predictions are based on the contestants’ bios on ABC.com and nothing else, so limited information went into this. In no particular order, here are the three guys most likely to lock this thing down, in one Bachelor superfan’s humble opinion.
Pick 1: Will
First off, can we just admire what Will lists for his top three movies? Shawshank Redemption, Star Wars, Jurassic Park. Solid.
He also says his favorite trip ever was to Dubai because he loves experiencing new cultures, which is just a rad attitude to have about the world. If he could have a superpower, he says he would want to be able to teleport so he could travel more without it taking so much time. This guy is worldly and relishes new experiences, which is what someone as smart and adventurous as Lindsay needs.
He knows his worth, because he won’t settle or let anyone else settle for him — the one thing he won’t do for love is “be someone’s second choice.”
And he knows how to #RealTalk — his worst date memory is “Every Tinder date ever.” I hear that, sir.
Pick 2: Anthony
Anthony might be laying it on a little thick; he says that if he could be someone else for a day, he would be his mom, because “I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.” Even if he’s trying a little too hard, though, that’s super sweet.
Then we get to Anthony’s favorite book, which he says is a tough call before settling on The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. That’s the kind of book that a real reader picks up. He’s definitely well read, so maybe he can keep up with Lindsay, who is tremendously smart.
In case there was any doubt left that Anthony is a solid dude, he taught English in Indonesia and then secured grant funding to teach in the Ivory Coast. Hey, Anthony, if I’m wrong and things don’t work out for you and Lindsay, call me, OK?
Pick 3: Bryce
Bryce is a little bit of a wild card. He’s a firefighter, which is probably in the top three hottest professions, and just look at his jawline. It is chiseled AF.
The most outrageous thing he’s ever done involved a high-speed motorcycle chase and saving someone’s life. His greatest achievement is making his parents proud and inspiring his little brother. He sounds kind of perfect, fam.
But no one is perfect, we realize, as we near the end of Bryce’s bio and learn that the wildest thing he’s done in the bedroom is “Caught a girl’s hair on fire once while having sex.” Uh. Hold right up. Not to judge anyone for what they’re into, but we’re gonna go ahead and draw the line at including an open flame in our foreplay. Also, what kind of firefighter managed to ignite another human during sex? There’s a red flag in here somewhere.
Also, Bryce loses points for his transphobic, homophobic answer to “What’s your biggest date fear?” His answer? “The chick is actually a dude.” If the worst thing that can happen to you is you spend a nice time with someone whose genitals you aren’t necessarily interested in, you can probably call the day a success, Bryce.
Tune in for the season premiere of The Bachelorette on Monday at 9/8c on ABC.