Ed Sheeran is a sentient beanbag who stole the soul of a puppy. But, like, a puppy with a bad attitude. Sheeran is widely discussed for having misogyny and toxic masculinity in his song lyrics. Surprisingly, he holds the No. 1 slot on American radio right now with his sexist song “Shape of You” and is about to launch a superstar-level North American tour for his new record, Divide. According to Sheeran, though, he’s untouchable because Eric Clapton and Elton John think he’s the future of music, or so he told Rolling Stone in a recent interview. (Which, honestly, although Clapton and John are legends, I don’t think they are necessarily the best barometer for the direction millennial pop is going.) Sheeran also grossly bragged about being drunk all the time, puffed up a story about being drunk with Justin Bieber and led a group of friends on a night of binge-drinking, during which he made them listen to him give a multi-house acoustic concert, which is literally my nightmare.
Despite all of that, people continue to drink Sheeran’s Kool-Aid. Including, now, Rita Ora. Yes, the impossibly cool British actress and singer who is the prettiest person you and I have ever seen and does things like casually waltz out of the Met ball afterparty, lazily dragging Diplo along like she doesn’t even care about him.
Sheeran and Ora posted a video to Ora’s Instagram today. In it, the two cryptically stare as an admittedly catchy backing track plays for a hot sec.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and posit that Ora actually fell into an alternate dimension where cruel things like this happen, and she found the password to the alien Wi-Fi and is sending out a signal for help.
But I also know that it is probably real, and in a few months’ time, I will potentially listen to an Ed Sheeran song in full and maybe actually like it, because the universe is perverse.