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Brad Pitt’s Reportedly Scared of Angelina Jolie, the Witchy Female Voodoo Queen

I have been through a rather unpleasant divorce myself, so I’ve been following the demise of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s relationship with some interest since Jolie suddenly filed divorce papers in September 2016.

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Mostly, I’ve been worried about Jolie. I know from experience that being a single mom can be hard. And yes, Jolie has nannies and all the help money can buy, but she also has six kids! Six! So I’ve been watching and reading and hoping that Jolie is taking time for herself and slowly working her way through each one of the same stages of loss that I did.

Thus, it was with great joy that this morning I found myself reading an obviously well-researched article from the news site Radar Online, revealing that Jolie has now moved past the second-to-last stage of mourning a relationship (acceptance) and into the final phase: Voodoo.

Radar says, “Brad Pitt is freaking out over the vicious Maleficent beauty casting chilling voodoo spells to ruin his life,” and gives irrefutable evidence that Jolie is doing so. Evidence like the fact that she once played a witch in a movie and Pitt’s latest movie bombed at the box office for no other reason that it was cursed. By Jolie. Who is definitely a witch.

More: Brad Admits Guilt to Half of Jolie’s Abuse Allegation

Look, Brad; I feel for you, but I can’t say I blame her. Voodoo is just a natural part of breaking up with someone in the 21st century. I mean, who among us hasn’t cast a few spells to cause irrevocable harm to our former lovers? Who wouldn’t use the lock of their hair we cut surreptitiously in the middle of the night way back at the beginning of the relationship (just in case) to burn in an occult ceremony?

And I know I can only speak from my own personal experience here, but in the months after my marriage ended, I can’t tell you how much it helped me to get together with my coven (every woman has one, obvs, because all women are evil sorceresses) for a few glasses of wine, some cheesy rom-coms and a night of summoning the dark spirits.

The article goes on to say that Jolie is “rumored to have used black magic to woo Brad away from his then-wife, Jennifer Aniston,” which, I mean, duh. Everyone knows that men have no free will of their own and are incapable of making decisions (good or bad) when they’re under the power of a witchy female voodoo queen. There’s no way Pitt can be asked to take responsibility for cheating on his wife even though he was the only one married at the time, because voodoo. Are you even listening? Mysterious lady magic!!


More: No One Believes That Angelina Jolie Made Brad Pitt Lose His Friends, Do They?

Anyway, now the source quoted by Radar Online says, “Brad’s terrified she’ll start using powerful spells and potions against him. He thinks she’s out to make his life a misery and destroy him.”

Yeah, I’d be terrified too, Brad. I mean, you’ve seen the effects of these spells and potions before! And don’t forget about that Disney movie, Maleficent (which Jolie probably didn’t even need wardrobe or makeup for because she actually is an evil witchy-witch). I mean, who the hell would play a witch in a move if they weren’t even a witch? An actor? Don’t be ridiculous. Jolie can’t do that — she’s just a woman! A silly, evil, all-powerful woman capable of bending fate to her nefarious whims.

So, I’m sorry, Brad, but Jolie is just doing what she needs to do get over you. Voodoo is a completely normal, not to mention healthy, way to mourn the end of a relationship.

And as for you, Angie? Make sure you’re resting in between occult ceremonies, use only organic ingredients in your potions.

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