In Best News of the Week, Literal Witches Are Trying to Stop Donald Trump
In news that will never not make me fist-pump with sheer glee, several different outlets are reporting that witches — literal witches — are banding together to stop President Donald Trump.
And they are not. Fucking. Around.
At midnight EST tonight and during every waning crescent moon while Trump holds office, thousands of witchcraft practitioners will gather together in the United States and across the globe to cast a spell to bind Trump "and all those who abet him."
Surprised that you find yourself fist-pumping the actions of witches? Don't be.
Historically, witches have been depicted in a negative light in both films and stories, often taking the form of an evil old woman, bent double with a black cape, an evil cackle and nefarious intentions.
Real witches, however, argue that this depiction was created and maintained by misogynists afraid of the power of smart women — particularly women who could heal, counsel and teach others.
Witchcraft.org is quick to dispel these stereotypes, explaining, "Most modern witches are perfectly ordinary looking people, who you may well meet in your everyday life and not notice anything strange about them... Both men and women can be witches as they were in medieval times. It is often forgotten that in some countries more men were executed for witchcraft than women."
The site goes on to say that far from being evil Satan worshippers, witches often display a deep affinity for the natural world: "Witches as a group of people do tend to have some similarities. There is a deep regard for nature in all its forms in the religion, so many are members of a wide range of ecological and environmental groups. The respect for nature and animals also means many are vegetarians. They are people who believe that more exists in this world and beyond that can be easily explained by science alone. This means they have a spiritual aspect to them that is often missing in modern Western society. Wicca has both male and female deities and has a special respect for females. This female bias has resulted in many crossovers with feminist organizations."
Given these characteristics, it's no surprise to see powerful witches worldwide unite behind such a spectacular cause.
What exactly does this binding spell involve? Well, first of all, quite a few supplies:
The Witches Against Trump Facebook page (we told you these were modern witches) explains what the binding process seeks to achieve: "Binding spells, or defixiones, are some of the oldest in the historical record, and are nearly universal in the world’s magical systems. In this document, binding, which seeks to restrain someone from doing harm, is differentiated from cursing or hexing, which is meant to inflict harm on the target(s). It is understood, in this context, that binding does not generate the potential negative blowback from cursing/hexing/crossing, nor does it harm the caster’s karma.
"In other words, this is not the equivalent of magically punching a Nazi; rather, it is ripping the bullhorn from his hands, smashing his phone so he can’t tweet, tying him up, and throwing him in a dark basement where he can’t hurt anyone."
So, rather than wishing harm on President Trump, this spell seeks to restrain his power so that he is unable to harm others.
Who on earth could argue with that? If you've ever considered dabbling in witchcraft, the time is now! Gather your carrots and your candles, y'all. I'll see you at midnight!
Before you go, check out our slideshow below.