I learned to cook scrambled eggs when I was 30 years old.
In the years leading up to my awakening, I thought I knew how to make scrambled eggs, but I didn’t. What I knew how to make was that rubbery egg chunk abomination you regularly see in cheap hotel buffets, lukewarm and unappetizing.
I have very few regrets in life, but the many mornings I spent serving houseguests this bastardized version of a classic dish give me great shame.
In case you’re wondering, this is how you make perfect scrambled eggs (start at 1:00). My father-in-law also adds a bit of cream at the end to make it extra delicious. Follow the directions, serve them hot and add just a sprinkling of salt and pepper. What could be better?
And although it took me many years to learn how to make perfect scrambled eggs, there are a few things I have always been sure of. Like, for example, what to eat with them.
Here are a few things that pair quite well with scrambled eggs:
- Warm buttered toast
- Fresh avocado slices
- Ripe tomatoes
Even a squirt or two of ketchup is acceptable if you’re into that sort of thing.
For contrast, here is a list of things that should never, ever be paired with scrambled eggs, Scott Foley:
- Peanut butter
- Peanut butter
- Goddamn peanut butter for Christ’s sake. What’s wrong with you??
Why am I spending my entire Monday morning writing an article about how peanut butter does not now and will never, taste good with scrambled eggs?
Because Scott Foley is putting fucking peanut butter on his fucking eggs. That’s why.
It’s true! Why would I lie about something like this, something that has the potential to besmirch a man’s name and destroy his career?
I wouldn’t. I didn’t have to. He incriminated his own damn self.
Look at that.
He’s ruined my entire day.
I’m not going to even get into the fact that he’s using a fork to spread peanut butter because the bigger issue here is that there’s nothing even to spread it on! The peanut butter is just getting smashed around in between the egg bits in a bewilderingly fuck-witted display of disregard for basic principles of taste, palate and human decency.
It’s complete and utter bullshit, is what it is. Even the color combination looks unnatural.
And the eggs. Look at how goddamn uncomfortable they look having that peanut butter unceremoniously plopped on top of them. They know full well, as Scott Foley should because he’s a grown-ass man, that peanut butter has no business being put on eggs (see lists above if you need further clarification. But you don’t. Because this shit is basic).
But Scott Foley? Scott Foley’s not uncomfortable. Not one bit. He’s just sitting there nonchalantly committing these atrocities in broad daylight like it’s no big deal. Like it’s completely normal to be combining eggs — scrambled eggs, no less — and fucking peanut butter.
Then, as if this situation weren’t abhorrent enough (which, let me be clear, it is), he has to bring his kid into it — sweet, innocent Konrad Foley, a mere 2 years old. Or maybe it’s his older son, Keller; I can’t be sure. But it doesn’t matter. Either way is terrible.
In the video that I wish I’d never watched, Foley can be heard saying to his son, “You want more peanut butter on your eggs?” to which his son responds with a noise that Foley interprets as an enthusiastic “Yeah!” but could just as easily be “Yeugh!” or “Fuck!” or “Why father. Why hast thou forsaken me? Why are you doing this to the eggs — to us?”
Because no, Scott Foley, he doesn’t want peanut butter on his eggs. No one wants peanut butter on their eggs. It’s gross. You’re gross.
Kerry Washington, you need to have a word with your boy and get this situation handled. I can’t talk about it anymore. I’m too upset.
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