It’s no secret that the US of A is going through a bit of a moment right now. Things are rough, and as a Canadian, I’d like you to know that we are here for you. We’re your closest neighbors, your BFFs, and goddamn it, we are here to help!
To prove it, we will soon be loaning you our finest national treasure.
No, not our hottie PM or his kickass French wife. We’re not going to send truckfuls of poutine or let you win the Stanley Cup.
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It’s better than that. SO MUCH BETTER: We are letting you have
Not forever! You can’t have her forever. But we’re going to lend her to you for a little while to help you get through this challenging time.
“Mon dieu!” you say. “Why are we being blessed with this beautiful chanteuse, fluent in French and English and the absolute
definition of extra?”
Well, you have
to thank for this tiny miracle. The Voice
The Voice convinced the one and only Celine Claudette Marie Dion to appear on the show next season as Gwen Stefani’s advisor.
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First of all, let’s just agree that Gwen Stefani’s great, but she is
luckyyyy to have Celine Dion. And as an advisor, no less! We should all be so lucky as to have Celine Dion advising us. Can you imagine?
She’d say things inspired by the lyrics of her award-winning songs, like, “The whispers in the morning of lovers sleeping tight are rolling by like thunder now. As I look in your eyes, I hold on to your body and feel each move you make. Your voice is warm and tender, a love that I could not forsake.”
And you will have no fucking clue what she’s talking about because all you asked her was what you should order at Chipotle, but it won’t matter because you’ll be crying and she’ll be crying and then she’ll envelop you in her weirdly toned arms and everything will be OK.
This news has kept me smiling all morning and I don’t even watch
The Voice. Singing shows make me uncomfortable because I can’t tell who’s good and who’s terrible, and the judges’ opinions are never the same as my own, and it reminds me that I’m incredibly tone deaf and never sing in public unless incredibly inebriated.
Celine Dion? Celine mutha-fucking
Dion? My god, how can I not watch The Voice if she is going to be emoting all over the place?
This is going to be unreal. You see, Celine Dion, youngest of 14 children, feels things more than other people. Ten… nay… a
hundred times more.
She has to focus to keep emotion out of her voice when she sings. Because she has too much of it. And if she feels the full force of her emotions,
she will cry. And she can’t cry! Because if she cried during her songs, she wouldn’t be able to sing in the way we’ve all come to expect from her, the second-highest earning musician of all time.
More: Celine Dion Shares Touching Tribute to Her Late Husband in Vegas
But her emotion does still come through, because of course it does.
What is Dion appearing on
The Voice even going to look like?
What if someone is shit? Is Celine Mutha-Fucking Dion capable of advising Gwen that someone is shit?
What will that do to her? I’m concerned. Concerned for what rejecting people might do to Dion’s emotions.
Conversely, imagine when someone wins. Or gets through. Or gets turned around on. (Again, I have never watched
The Voice and have no idea what happens on this show.)
I mean, they’ll be happy, sure, but it will be fucking nothing compared to how happy Dion will be. Dion will be overcome with happy in a way that none of us mere mortals can even begin to understand.
In conclusion, America, you’re welcome. All we ask is that you treat the strong-yet-incredibly-delicate pride of Canada with the reverence and respect she deserves.
we want her back.
Before you go, check out
our slideshow below.