Everything hurts and I’m dying — The Walking Dead returned with a truly horrifying Season 7 premiere, and fans may never fully recover from the emotional atrocities that occurred.
Before we go any further, suffice it to say that spoilers will soon follow. This is your official spoiler alert, people. If you haven’t yet watched the Season 7 premiere, well, gird your emotions… you’re in for a rough ride. But also, be warned I’m about to reveal some pertinent plot points.
Now, let’s try to get through this together, shall we?
For months, we’ve all seen/heard/read the spoilers. Don’t pretend like you never took a peek; we all did. It was impossible not to because, as fans, we’re all so incredibly invested in these characters. It somehow made it seem like it would hurt less if you knew who was going to die ahead of time.
Alas, ’twas not so. There was quite literally a spoiler (which we covered, right here) predicting the exact sequence of horrific events that unfolded on the premiere, and yet it was still gutting. Nothing could have prepared us, in fact, for the emotional punch in the feels watching the episode delivered.
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This brings us to an important sidebar. Can we give Jeffrey Dean Morgan some major props? When the actor was first cast as the nefarious villain Negan, there was some clap-back from fans of the comic universe about whether or not Morgan was the right fit. There was also talk about whether or not Morgan would ultimately wind up a watered-down version of the Negan from the comics.
I think it’s safe to say we can lay any and all doubts to rest, you guys — for better or worse, Morgan’s Negan is far more sinister than anything we could have imagined. So, uh, kudos to Morgan, I suppose. Thus begins a long relationship of simultaneously loving and hating a character so much it hurts.
Speaking of hurting, the time has come to say goodbye to not one but two of our beloved heroes. I can put it off no longer, so R.I.P. Abraham and Glenn. With you, a little bit of my soul goes to the great beyond.
How did we get to this point? As you remember from the Season 6 finale, Rick and his crew were intercepted by Negan’s men while trying to get Maggie to a doctor. Needing to establish dominance, Negan knew he had to break Rick’s spirit. And the quickest way to do that was to pick off one of the people who meant the most to Rick.
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With that first sickening blow of his barbwire-wrapped baseball bat, Negan cracked Abraham’s skull. In true Abraham fashion, he eked out “Suck my nuts” before succumbing to repeated blows to the brain. For the record, those blows were by far the most nauseating thing we’ve ever seen on The Walking Dead, and I think we all know that is saying a lot.
That loss, in and of itself, was devastating. For his one-liners alone, Abraham was an inimitable member of the crew. But he was also the strong-arm of the group — the guy who Rick relied on to help keep everyone safe and to be at the front of the battle lines.
The second loss, though? It was almost too much to bear.
After Negan taunted Rosita using the bat still dripping with Abraham’s blood, Daryl lost his cool and punched Negan. At first, it seemed as though this might end badly for Daryl, and you could practically hear the collective gasp of fans the world over.
Then, Negan’s men returned Daryl to the line, and it seemed as though he may forgive that lapse of composure. Until, that is, he hauled off and popped Glenn in the top of the head with that unholy bat of death he has dubbed Lucille. Sputtering over the blood running down his own face (which includes an eyeball bulging out of its socket), Glenn mustered four final words: “I’ll find you, Maggie.”
What the fresh hell? BRB; just need to go call my editors and tell them I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow because I’ll be too busy mourning the untimely end of one of the greatest TV couples ever.
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As if all of this wasn’t enough to make anyone give up adulting for the week, TWD finished us off with a flash-forward to a future that will now never happen — the whole gang sitting around a farmhouse table, sharing a meal. Sitting on Glenn’s lap is his and Maggie’s little boy.
Heart, meet a thousand daggers.
Perhaps the most terrifying thing about the premiere is the fact that it is, you know, the premiere. We have an entire season’s worth of emotional torture at the hands of Negan to endure.
So while deep down I love creator Robert Kirkman and showrunner Scott M. Gimple, right now I’m going to have to take a page from the late, great Abe’s book and say, “Suck my nuts.”
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