In Dorfman’s book, It’s Not Okay, out May 17, Dorfman details their “volatile and fucked up relationship,” which included bouts of emotional abuse among their fights over mistrust and insecurities.
In a new excerpt from the book, released by Us Weekly, Dorfman explains that she initially lied to Murray about her intimacy with The Bachelorette runner-up Nick Viall. Though Viall and Dorfman slept together during the fantasy suite dates, Dorfman didn’t come clean about it to Murray until right before the episode aired because she was afraid of his reaction. She was scared he would end the relationship if he found out she had slept with another man on the show.
When she finally did come clean, Dorfman explains in the book, “He was devastated, angry and hurt, badly. I apologized profusely for lying. He seemed to struggle over whether he was more upset by the fact that I had lied or that I’d had sex with another man. Several more apologies later, it became clear the issue was about my having sex with someone else. That one sexual escapade would become a power play used by my fiancé to justify his mistrust in me. It would be an excuse to call me a whore. And it would eventually lead to the demise of my engagement.”
As for Viall, he infamously outed his intimacy with Dorfman during the After the Final Rose special and fought to get her back.
More: The Bachelorette‘s Andi Dorfman takes another jab at brokenhearted Nick Viall
But Dorfman said up until the end, she was sure she and Murray were going to get married.
“I was 100 percent sure I’d spend my life with him,” Dorfman told Us Weekly.
Her book reinforces this thought. After a terrible fight in New York City back in 2014, Dorfman reveals she gave Murray her diamond engagement ring and went for a walk.
“Alone in a random church, I cradled my head in my hands and began to sob. For the first time, I thought, I don’t think we’re going to make it. But the thought scared me — if I wasn’t the happy fiancée, who was I? Back then, I wasn’t ready to answer that question. With little time to spare, I pulled myself together and dashed back. It wasn’t until [our plane took off] that he leaned into me and whispered in my ear that he was sorry. I looked at him only to find tears rolling down his face. I had never seen him cry. Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around him and began crying as well. It had been one of the worst fights we’d ever had, but I wasn’t ready to lose him.”
As for Murray, he isn’t necessarily denying the thoughts in Dorfman’s book as of now. But he did release a statement saying, “It saddens me and is very unfortunate that Andi has chosen to characterize me in such a negative way. I pray she finds peace.”
Of course, it could be that writing this book — whether one-sided or not — was, in fact, Dorfman’s journey to find inner clarity and move on from the relationship, which clearly took its toll on the former Bachelorette.
Are you surprised Dorfman and Murray’s relationship was so volatile behind closed doors?
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