The Golden Raspberry Awards exist to annually pay homage to the “worst achievements in film.” And plenty of blockbuster films this year have taken bad filmmaking to staggering new heights. Check out some of the top cringe-worthy moments in the five films nominated for “Worst Picture.”
1. Jupiter Ascending: The part where Channing Tatum is a space dog
Embarrassingly I had high hopes for Jupiter Ascending, because I was a teenager when I watched The Matrix (and therefore it blew my young mind), and I’m a huge sci-fi geek. But there’s really no appropriate reaction to this film other than complete and utter shock that such an expensive, ridiculous movie ever got made. There are so many absurd, cringe-worthy moments to choose from, but I think the ultimate worst is the one where Channing Tatum’s explaining to Mila Kunis that he can’t be with her because he’s, like, got part dog DNA. And she’s all “I love dogs!” And then they fly off into distant, faraway galaxies together because he has boots like Astro Boy and can do that sort of thing. I can’t explain it any better than that.
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2: Paul Blart getting kicked by a horse
Paul Blart gets into a lot of unnecessary fights with animals in Mall Cop 2. And he always deserves it, and I always wish the animals would just win and put me out of my misery as a viewer. There’s the whole scene where an exotic bird attacks him after he clearly provokes it by acting like a deranged giant bird himself (a reaction that makes zero sense and which only the writers will ever understand). And then the time when a female officer riding a horse gives him her number and asks him for a drink (why?), and our hero’s reaction is to slap the horse on the ass and make a sexual innuendo, with the retort, “I don’t drink, but I do ride.” At which point, thankfully the horse kicks him. Cue the laughter of all 9-year-old boys in the audience.
3. Fifty Shades of Grey: The whole “have you been drinking?” scene
Eww! Eww! Eww! Grey is such a creep! So, Anastasia Steele has known Christian Grey for literally a few days max, and she drunk-dials him — the kind of thing most 20-something girls do when they’ve had a few too many. She’s out at a bar and thinking about him. Grey’s reaction is completely inappropriate and should have given off major psychopath flags to Steele, but she clearly has an unfortunate sense of her own self-worth and is drawn to his garbage behaviour. Grey gets mad at her and demands to know if she’s been drinking. As he’s basically a stranger at this stage, it’s really none of his business, and he just comes off seeming like a controlling weirdo. Then he informs her (he doesn’t ask) that he’s coming to get her and uses creepy GPS tracking tech to find her like a totally creepy stalker would. The film tries to present him like a hero, as he attacks a guy who’s aggressively trying to kiss Anastasia. But then Grey gets even more creepy and takes Anastasia, who’s so drunk she’s puking, back to her hotel. Opportunistic much?
4. Fantastic Four: Dr. Doom getting attacked
Fantastic Four‘s version of Dr. Doom is the most bland, nonsensical take on a big bad I can remember seeing ever in a Marvel movie. Basically he just strolls around all impassive in a big, dark cloak (how original!), forgetting words. Think a villain walking through a hallway of people shooting at him would be interesting? Think again. Doom just saunters on by like he’s going to the men’s room, calmly walking through bullets, something he can apparently do thanks to some vague cybernetic abilities he got when he hacked himself into another dimension. Not the best movie night pick next time your girls are over, to say the least.
5. Pixels: Donkey Kong scene
Remember when you were a kid and you’d go to your friend’s house to play Super Mario Brothers, but you’d wind up having to wait for her older brother to finish his turn — but he’d just keep playing and playing and gaining extra lives, and you’d never get a turn? That’s what watching Pixels feels like — the Donkey Kong scene in particular, where Adam Sandler and the other characters are plunged into a long-drawn-out game. Yawn. I’d rather just be playing video games myself.