Ricky Gervais did a great job hosting, save for the few in-your-face insults one usually reserves for when the person has left the room. His best line of the night was an improvised moment with Mel Gibson, for whom he did not hide his disdain.
When Mel fires back, Gervais comes back on stage to inquire, “I think we all want to ask you this. What the f*** does sugar tits mean?”
Of course, the question was censored, which meant that Gibson’s Shaggy-type comeback, “Ask the guy that said it, it wasn’t me,” response made no sense.
When the host is not the most awkward and cringy part of the night, you know that the show’s joke writers are working on only two hours of sleep. Many of these skits were so close, but they didn’t quite hit their mark. Here are five inelegant moments.
1. Jonah Hill as the bear from The Revenant and Channing Tatum’s mad-ass SNL Stefon hair
The Jump Street-ers were there to present the very first award, Best Supporting Actress in a Film. Hill came out in an adorably weird stuffed bear hat, setting the unfunny tone for the rest of the evening.
Tatum announces, “Jonah is so sorry he can’t be here tonight. We did, though, find a very, very special substitute from The Revenant: the bear.”
Hill enters from the audience, taking his time saying “hello,” giving Tatum a few extra moments to stand there awkwardly without the ability to ad-lib anything clever.
Hill (as the bear): “I’ve notoriously done zero press for the film. I’m a Daniel Day[-Lewis] or Tom Hardy type of actor who doesn’t like my face out there very much.”
Then he intentionally calls Leonardo DiCaprio, “Leonard,” prompting Tatum to ask, “What did he taste like?”
Jonah, as the Bear, tells him to, “Keep it together,” then addresses director Alejandro González Iñárritu, saying, “I’m a 2-year-old bear from the Sierra mountains. You took a chance on me, and honestly, I don’t forget it.”
Tatum notices a green ribbon on Hill’s lapel: “What’s the green thing?”
Now, this next part was obviously censored for TV, but luckily there were enough audience members who tweeted out what was actually said: “This ribbon is for honey awareness. Honey is just f***ing delicious, and I wanna make everyone aware of that.”
2. The womance heard ’round the world: Amy Schumer & Jennifer Lawrence
Never wanting to miss an opportunity, the producers of the Golden Globes had the newly minted BFFs present together. It was a simple task, really, they were supposed to introduce clips from each other’s movies, Joy and Trainwreck.
It went like this:
Jennifer Lawrence: “Hello, I’m JLaw.”
Amy Schumer: “And I’m AShu.”
JLaw: “Amy, you can’t just give yourself a celeb nickname; it has to come naturally. What do people usually call you?”
AShu: “Usually they just call me c***.”
Lawrence suggests “a celebrity couple nickname,” forcing Schumer to stammer out, “like Aim-Tom-Hardy.” Then she tried again: “Like, Amy-All-the-Hemsworths.”
Then for no apparent reason, they started just reciting words as if they were on Jeopardy! and the category was Things Celebrities Talk About at Awards Shows: “Dreams. Helping children. World peace. Cars. Medicine.”
There was zero reaction from the audience, yet they pressed on.
“In all seriousness,” Lawrence says, “As women in Hollywood, people have a lot of preconceived notions about us.”
“Yeah,” says Schumer, “Everyone is like, ‘Oh, Jen, you’re so pretty and like everyone likes them and wants to hang out with them and like they seem so fun to be around, and they should be models.”
3. Whatever it was that Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg were doing
The Daddy’s Home costars walked out wearing novelty-sized 2016 sunglasses — the kind everyone wears in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Wahlberg complained he couldn’t see and then looked up to Ferrell for some guidance. Ferrell was stoically staring at the camera, motionless.
Wahlberg tries to read the teleprompter, yelling, “I can’t see!” Ferrell is still not responding.
Wahlberg continues: “The first page of nearly every script begins with ‘Fade In’ and the final words on the last page are ….” — finally, Ferrell comes to life.
“I’m sorry, Mark.” And then he addresses the audience, “Can we stop all the talking and the laughter and the snickering? Because right now you people are coming off like real buttholes.”
Wahlberg feels the need to participate and talks over Ferrell, unintelligibly, since Ferrell is still chastising the audience. “We’ll just stop. We’ll just shut it down until the room gets real quiet.”
Then he begins to blame “the TV people all the way in the back,” telling them, “You’re never gonna make it up here.”
Wahlberg tries again to interject, “You’re never gonna make it up here.”
Still ignoring Wahlberg, Ferrell concludes, “You’re never gonna make it up here if you don’t behave the way you’re supposed to. Everyone down here is totally listening, but you people are playing grab ass back there.”
Wahlberg goes back to clumsily reading the teleprompter, and we are grateful.
4. Tiny Ken Jeong and tinier Kevin Hart
Jeong does some expository joking by reminding us that they know each other from Ride Along 2. Hart says, “I’m gonna be honest, Ken. I thought we were getting a funny actor and an on-set doctor for the price of one,” reminding us that Jeong had given up his medical practice to become an actor.
Hart continues, “But guess who showed up, Mr. Ken I’m-a-big-ass-TV-star, I-don’t-practice-medicine-anymore, Jeong. What did you tell me? Laughter is the best medicine.”
Jong replies, “No, I said medicine is the best medicine,” and then made a joke about Vicodin, pausing long enough to allow Hart to plug Ride Along 2 once again.
5. Squad goal members Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling trying humor
Right from the start, Gosling’s role in this bit is the petulant child. Pitt, a father of six, is very good in the parent role, asking, “Are you upset with me? You seem upset.”
Gosling pouts, saying, “Honestly, I was told I was presenting alone. It’s fine. Obviously, I’ve been recast in some kind of Joe Biden, Andy Richter, Robin type role.”
Pitt tells him that he can take over. Gosling replies, “Yeah, there ya go. Take the high road, I look petty. Classic Brad, that’s just classic, classic, Brad.”
Pitt asks Gosling how he would like to move forward. Gosling says he would like to “just read the winner,” but Pitt has to break the news, “We’re not announcing the winner.”
This sends Gosling into a faux fit of indignation, and he then asks, “Is this a Montessori type of thing, everybody gets a trophy?”
Again proving why actors are nothing without their writers.