Morrissey might be known for being a lyrical genius in the ’80s with his band The Smiths, but it seems his prose just doesn’t transfer well to literature.
The singer has received a bit of a dud of an award, taking out the gong for the Annual Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Award for a scene in his novel, List of the Lost.
It takes some pen mastery to write a decent sex scene, but unfortunately a whole host of writers have been put under the spotlight for writing some less-than-impressive — and often downright cringe-worthy — scenes that would put any Mills & Boon reader to shame.
Here are some of the sex scenes that were up for the Bad Sex in Fiction Award. Just try to get to the end without blushing — I dare you!
1. List of the Lost by Morrissey
“Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”
2. Before, After, During by Richard Bausch
“When she took him, still a little flaccid, into her mouth, she moaned, ‘Oh, lover.'”
3. Against Nature by Tomas Espedal
“Héloïse has lost all sense of how she ought to behave, she practically throws herself at Abélard, pulls him to the floor and straddles him as if they’re two boys fighting. She presses him to the ground, pins his hands to the floor. She kisses his face and licks it. She bites his lip. She bites his cheek. She pants in his ear, shouts his name in his ear, she whips his face with her hair. She stops his mouth hard with her hand and takes his breath away. She rides above him the way she’d imagined that one day she’d ride a boy, a man, a beast.”
4. Fear of Dying by Erica Jong
“While I lie next to him, astounded by his presence still, he opens my silk robe and touches my c*** as if he were Adam just discovering Eve’s p****.”
5. The Martini Shot by George Pelecanos
“‘I love your c***,’ she said.
‘It loves you.’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Touch my ass.'”
6. Book of Numbers by Joshua Cohen
“Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.”
7. Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff
“Gwennie shoved him in though she was dry. He shut his eyes and thought of mangoes, split papayas, fruits tart and sweet and dripping with juice, and then it was off, and he groaned and his whole body turned sweet.”