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AHS: Hotel‘s new vamp totally ruins The Countess miscarriage theory

Just when you thought nothing could get more terrifying than vamp children, American Horror Story proves you wrong.

So what, you ask, could give you greater nightmares than a classroom full of blood thirsty little ones?

More: AHS: Hotel goes Woody Allen, serial killer style

Try one bloodthirsty fetus.

When photos of Lady Gaga on set in a flashback scene first appeared, we thought her baby bump must mean that The Countess suffered a brutal miscarriage that left her yearning for a child, hence her love of little blond vamp children.

But uh, yeah, we were wrong. Admittedly, like, really wrong.

Because she had the baby after trying to unsuccessfully abort, and the little guy seems even more bloodthirsty than The Countess.

Of course, it’s hard not to feel bad for the creature named Bartholomew. He’s been stuck in the body of a fetus since the 1920s. And he’s missing half his face. Though it’s unclear if his mental capacity has grown or if he is still just a sucker for blood without knowing much else.

We kind of hope, for his sake, it’s the latter because otherwise that life would be the worst.

Unfortunately, judging by the way he tried to creep out of the hotel and escape with John, it seems like Bartholomew is way too smart for his own good. Which begs the question: Why does he want to escape? Is he tired of being treated like a baby? Did he finally want to have a taste of the outside world? Or was he just trying to get away from Ramona?

More: Did AHS: Hotel‘s Countess suffer a brutal miscarriage in her distant past?

And then there’s the question of James March and his involvement with the baby. First and foremost: Is Bartholomew his? The Countess said in the flashback that her husband, presumably March, didn’t know she was pregnant and that she wanted to keep it that way, thus trying to abort the baby.

But it seems like he would have to know by now since Bartholomew has been living in his hotel in Room 33 for decades.

Still, we have yet to see March and The Countess truly interact so it’s unclear the status of their relationship. Liz references a “great love” in The Countess’ life. Could she have been referencing March? Or was she speaking of Bartholomew?

If Liz was, in fact, referencing The Countess’ fetus, then it would go right along with the theme of this season, since Alex’s greatest love seems to be her son Holden. Alex and The Countess also share a special moment over that shared fact when Alex saves Bartholomew from John.

But if Bartholomew is The Countess’ greatest love, he now has multiple people to fear aside from Ramona. Because after killing Tristan, Liz will, no doubt, be on the hunt for revenge. (Side note, bravo to the writers tonight for making us absolutely fall in love with the most unexpected couple of the series. They were perfect and taken away way too soon!)

Even more terrifying than Bartholomew is the idea that there could be more of him. If The Countess managed to conceive in the 1920s, it was after she had contracted the blood virus. And clearly she still retained the ability to have children. But if a woman with the blood virus gets pregnant, will all the fetuses turn out as messed up as Bartholomew? Or was The Countess’ attempt to kill the baby what resulted in his inability to grow anymore?

More: AHS: Hotel stirs controversy for inappropriate usage of ‘hemophiliac’

Clearly, the curve ball on tonight’s episode means that you should absolutely expect the unexpected this season. And prepare for a lot more questions.

What are your theories about Bartholomew?

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